


Fireflies, Sparklies, and Other Flights of Fancy

by maryjo24



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Community: spnkink_meme, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Psychotropic Drugs, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-02
Updated: 2012-12-02
Packaged: 2017-11-20 01:21:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/579740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maryjo24/pseuds/maryjo24
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written in response this prompt on spnkink_meme: <i>Jared's a deeply-closeted football player in college, and he's got a secret crush on this super hot guy (Jensen) that he sees around campus every now and then. One night his teammates think it'll be funny to spike Jared's drink with drugs and while flying super high Jared sees his hot Adonis and thinks it's a fantasy. He tackles an unsuspecting Jensen and rapes him. Jensen doesn't see his attacker but he's pretty sure he'd remember his attacker's voice. They end up meeting up later when Jared's volunteering at the local hospital and Jensen's been admitted for attempted suicide.</i> Originally filled <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/spnkink_meme/32449.html?thread=7713985#t7713985">here</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fireflies, Sparklies, and Other Flights of Fancy

“Ya’ assho’es!” And the assholes all laugh as Jared stumbles yet again, his drink sloshing all over his hand. There’s no way he should be stumbling drunk already, but the proof is there as his lanky 6’4” frame ends up spread akimbo on the ground, yet again. Laughing, Jared holds up his hand, noticing how the sugary coke spreads out like a viscous web between his fingers. He giggles as the web expands and contracts as he opens and closes his hand. Pushing himself up, he shakes his hair away from his eyes, and grabs on to the nearest stationary object.

“ ‘need su’ f’esh air”, Jared giggles again as he follows the sandy trail only he sees to the beach outside the front door. 

“Shit man, he’s fucked up” Jared hears Tom vaguely, and, yeah, he’d have to agree. But whatever, he’s celebrating tonight, star of the game! And all the pretty sparklies floating around his head worship him. Like little fireflies leading the way, he follows them wherever they might lead.

“Hey man, maybe you put too much in… shouldn’t someone should go with him?”

Huh, wonder what Jimmy’s talking about? Don’t want to Jimmy’s company tonight. Not Tommy’s, not nobody’s. Well maybe one guy, yeah he wouldn’t mind his company… just right… tall, pretty green eyes, nice lips, he’d smiled at Jared once. His tall, green-eyed mystery guy, that’s the one he wants. Seen him on campus, walking, passing, but Jared could never bring himself to make that first move. ‘Adonis personified’ his drug-addled mind now romantically provides, with just a sprinkling of freckles across his cheeks reminds ya he’s human… yeah… he could work with that… want you… could make it so good for you… 

Shit! Did he say that out loud? What would the guys think? They can’t find out about Adonis, his green-eyed epitome of perfection, can’t be public knowledge. But no, no one seems to have noticed, they all seem to be arguing about who’s going to keep him company… And the sparklies are back, they seem to be calling him, pulling him, got to follow them…

And now he’s floating, and the sky’s so bright on his beach, just need to follow…

Blues, yellows, reds, the sparklies, and it’s him! The sparklies brought Jared to him, need to hold on to him, to keep him from following the sparklies and floating away…

“Don’t go, I’ll make it so good for you…” His Adonis presses against him, wrapped up in his arms, Adonis’ begging, pleading, for more, humming affirmations of how good they are together…

And the sparklies are buzzing their excitement, it’s so perfect, the sensations, his body is screaming in its ecstasy, Adonis is his… Adonis _is_ his!

~

The sun beats down on Jared’s face, and, squinting, he briefly wonders why the sun was out at night before he figures out it was day and he’s in his dorm room, in his own bunk.

“Shit, JT! Where the fuck you been man?” So not only is he assaulted by the sun shining entirely too brightly, he’s gotta listen to Tom yell first thing in the morning?

“Sleeping, until you started yelling, dickwad! What the Hell did you guys fuck me up with last night?”

Tom, at least has enough shame to look somewhat guilty, “A little acid in your rum and coke… what do you remember?” His friend shifts uneasily in the doorway as Jared pushes up from his bed and heads to the bathroom.

“Shit, you guys tripped me up? What’a bunch of assholes… No wonder I feel like crap. And sorry, ha ha, don’t remember much… maybe fireflies?” 

As Jared takes his morning piss, he notices dried red-brown specks flaking off, that quickly turn crimson as they drop into the toilet. A cold chill snakes its way up his spine, what else did he do last night? Looking in the mirror, his face doesn’t provide any definitive answers; pale, eyes sunken and blood-shot, totally expected after a night of drinking himself into a stupor. Not to mention the tripping on top of that.

“Le’me grab a quick shower, I reek, wait for me?” Jared yells out to Tom, stripping out his dirty, stained clothes. Checking over his long form and turning to look at his back in the mirror, he confirms there are no scratches or any other indications of a fight anywhere on his body. So maybe it was just some rough, yet _consensual_ (please, for fuck sakes, please), sex with some nameless, faceless co-ed? One that he’ll have to apologize to, assuming he can figure out who? And that’s assuming that she (or god forbid, _he_ ) wasn’t as fucked up as he or doesn’t just want to forget the entire, obviously sorry, affair themselves. At least the police or campus security aren’t busting down his door, so he couldn’t have… could he?

Showering quickly and wrapping a towel around thin hips, he heads back into the bedroom. Dressing quickly, he winces as he feels the twinges of bruising on one of his elbows. That icy chill returns along with a niggling feeling that there’s maybe more he should try to remember of the night before. Turning around, he catches the pensive stare Tom’s leveled on him as he shifts somewhat nervously in the middle of the room. Smiling ruefully, Tom shakes his head as if trying to clear his mind of something bad, before he speaks again. 

“So seriously, all you remember is fucking _fireflies_?” As Jared shrugs, Tom continues, “Shit dude, what a waste of a sugar cube! You disappeared, we were kind’a worried that you’d snuck into the girls’ dorm or something… Sure you don’t remember anything else?” Tom’s question, while innocent enough, seems to ask for more than just a simple ‘what were you up to?’ 

“Nah, I think I just lay on the ground watching fireflies until I figured out where home was. Tom, what’s going on?” 

Tom continued to shift uneasily, until finally he seems to reach a conclusion that eases his mind. “Just curious, man. Hey, you hungry? Let’s get some breakfast.” With a whoop, Tom grabs Jared’s head in a lock and drags him out the door.

As Jared walks across campus to the student center with Tom, they notice the hubbub of activity near the library. Yellow tape cordons off a section of the nearby quad, and a few uniformed police officers and campus security keep curious onlookers at bay. “What’s going on over there?” Jared asks.

“A TA was attacked last night as he left the library… I think I heard the guy’s ok and they have no idea who did it. Mike over in Campus Security says, whoever it was, they attacked him from behind, wrapped him up in his own shirt or something. Must have been a big dude who did it, ‘cause the TA wasn’t a lightweight himself.” Tom looks at Jared, that earlier uneasy stare back, like he wants to ask something but is afraid to. Jared stares back, shock evident on his face, fearing the question and praying that the answer that his friend fears, isn’t real. In the end, as if by mutual agreement, they break eye contact and move quickly from the scene

Days roll into weeks as the semester drags on and Jared’s gradually coming apart. He finally has a name for the TA that was attacked, Jensen Ackles, and the grainy photo released to the press was enough to confirm that Jensen is indeed his green-eyed man. The rumors flying around campus are few but run the full gambit from a simple mugging to gang-rape. The confirmed facts are non-existent. The police conducted interviews and collected their evidence over the course of a couple of days but there were no witnesses and no clues as to the identity or motivation of the attacker. The published reports are brief.

_Jensen Ackles, a second year graduate student at Stanford University, was attacked Saturday night by an unknown assailant. Ackles is in stable condition and is under treatment for his injuries at Westbrook Hospital._

As the one month turns to the next, and there’s been no sign of Jensen on the paths that they normally crossed, Jared’s making himself sick wondering if he might have had anything to do with the attack. The events of that night are a blank, but that doesn’t means he’s involved, could it? That’s not him, everyone calls him the Padapuppy, and off the football field everyone knows he couldn’t hurt a fly. 

Sometimes he wonders if he should come forward, but what does he say? “ _I was tripping on acid that night and I don’t know how I got from the party to the beach and then finally home. And maybe I saw this Ackles guy but I saw fireflies too._ ” Yeah, that would go over really well, he could get arrested on the drug charges alone if not for the attack as well. That would lead to a conduct hearing at the school, he could end up suspended or kicked off the squad, maybe even lose his scholarship. And all for a _maybe_ he did something, but he couldn’t have, that’s just not him…

As the guilt and fear gnaw away at his sense of self during the waking hours, his sleep suffers an onslaught of vivid dreams/nightmares that no doubt Freud would have a field day with. The most often recurring dream starts off soothingly with flowing swathes of color, low melodic hums of sound, and gently glittering lights. But then, the glittering lights begin to pulsate, growing in size until they morph into angry, fiery red blobs of pulsing magma and sounds that were at first low hums increase in volume until the words become clear.

_NO_  
 _STOP_  
 **_PLEASE STOP_ **  
**_OH GOD, STOP, NO MORE_ **

The magma slithers closer and much quicker than it should, green eyes peer out from the magma, accusing in their stare, silent, hateful, unforgiving…

“God NO!” 

“Geez, Jay! What’s up with you these days?”

It’s the third time this week, that Jared’s woken himself and his roommate, Matt, up from a sound sleep. For awhile, he’d been able to hold the nightmares back by drinking himself into near oblivion. But in an ironic turn of events, almost as if his mind is trying to remind him of something, the nightmares are times worse after drinking. And not to mention what going to class hung-over is doing to his grades.

“Sorry man, just another dream - ”

“Nightmare, more like it. You need to do something about them. Finals are coming up and I need my rest.”

“Yeah, sorry man. I’ll figure it out.” Jared watched as Matt yanked his pillow over his head in disgust and mentally kicked himself.

Hours later, buzzing from lack of sleep and the coffee that he was practically mainlining, Jared found Tom in the quad. Desperate times, desperate measures, Jared figured if Tom could score acid, a few barbs shouldn’t be hard. He needed sleep, sleep without dreams, and better living through chemistry seemed the way to go.

“No, I’m not gonna do that to you Jay. You’re so far down now, it would only get worse. I’m not going to be the one that finds you hanging out a window, a noose made out’a sheets around your neck.”

“Fuck, Tom, c’mon I need help! I’m going crazy here.”

“You know what you need? You need something that keeps you busy, that’s productive, self-actualizing and all that sort of shit. And I got just the thing… volunteer at Westbrook, read stories to sick kids, have tea parties with the old folks, get coffee for visiting loved ones. It’s rewarding, fulfilling, and they really need people right now with the holidays. Then you can go to sleep knowing you helped someone have just that much of a better day. And I’ve got an in with the volunteer coordinator, make sure that you’re not emptying bedpans.”

Jared has to admit that Tom was right. He’d been volunteering a few hours a day at the hospital nearly every day for the past two weeks and he feels better than he has in a long time. Sometimes, he’s passing coffee around in the waiting rooms. Other times he’s offering books and magazines to the patients. More often than not, he finds himself drawn in and tries to offer some comfort by talking or listening, or sometimes simply holding a hand. He likes to think he succeeds a little bit more often than not.

“Hey Jared, ready to call it a day?” Jared turns to see his friend approach. Tom had delivered on his promise, Jared hadn’t had to empty a single bedpan. Although, Jared didn’t think that volunteers were actually assigned those tasks, so he probably didn’t have to thank Tom for that. But he did need to thank him for suggesting the volunteer work. Within the first few days, he’d been able to concentrate on his studies better and was sleeping more restfully. Tom should probably think about changing his discipline from pediatrics to psychology.

“Yeah, got a paper due Monday so I’ll need to spend the weekend on it.” 

“Jay, you’ve been hitting the books too hard. All work and all that shit…you need to get out. We’re meeting up with Jimmy, Mike, and a couple of the other guys over at Shenanigans. Promise, no additives, and we’ll find you something soft and warm to cuddle up with.”

Tom was right, he’d really become a hermit of late, a night out would be good. So he nodded his assent. As the two friends began to leave, the PA system crackled to life, “Code red, code red, room 322…code red, code red, room 322.”

“C’mon Jared.” Tom grabbed his arm, pulling him in the direction of room 322.

“Code red? What’s that?” Since Jared had started at the hospital, he’d heard several color codes, but this was the first “red” he’d heard.

“Basically means they’ve got a non-weapon physical threat, and it’s a call for brawn. Security will probably get there first, but just in case…” Tom explained as he ran down the hall, Jared fast behind.

Security hadn’t beaten them there, and it was clear that the staff on the scene had their hands full as their patient pleaded and fought against them. Blood splattered all surfaces in the area, dripping and flung from wounds on the patient’s face and arms. Dr. Chang, the ER doctor on call, stood by with a needle poised. A small woman, she wisely stayed back, waiting for her best opportunity. But although the patient showed signs of that wasted body build seen on drug addicts, he was tall and holding his own in the fight, and his anxiety fed his strength even further.

As Jared and Tom arrived, an orderly fell to the ground, shaken by a punch to the jaw, and a nurse slid on a pool of blood, falling into the wall while trying to avoid a flailing arm. Another orderly, Mark, managed to come up behind the patient and wrap his arms around him in a strong bear-hug, pulling him up and off the ground. The man’s reaction was instantaneous. A scream that erupted from deep within him, started low and wailing but swiftly became more frantic and keening. As he kicked his legs out and behind him, he connected with the orderly’s shin. Fighting and twisting against the orderly’s grasp as if all of Hades were after him, the patient managed to free himself and dropped to the ground on all fours.

“Jay, grab his legs!” Tom yelled as he ran over, throwing himself on top of the scrambling man’s back pushing him hard against the ground. Jared threw himself down across his legs, wrapping his arms around the guy’s knees. Bucking and flailing, the screaming man had no chance against the two football players holding him down. As Dr. Chang administered a sedative, he continued to moan and struggle, until he finally succumbed to the drug.

Once the man beneath them settled into unconsciousness, Jared and Tom relaxed their grips and stood up. Kneeling on the ground, Dr. Chang directed Mark to roll the patient over. As her gloved thumb brushed blood away from his eyes, fingers from her other hand gently raised his eyelid. As Jared looked on, he noticed that the man’s eye was green. Looking more intently at the rest of his features, Jared barely held his initial gasp. It was Jensen.

Jared has no real recollection of how he got back to his dorm room. Once the gut-kicking shock of recognizing Jensen had passed, his flight instinct kicked in. He vaguely remembers telling Tom that after everything, he just wanted to call it a night and then booking out the door. He must have stopped by the locker room to pick up his backpack, but looking in the mirror now, apparently he hadn’t taken the time to clean up the blood, Jensen’s blood, the same blood that spattered the walls now spotted his face and smeared broad stripes across the front of his shirt.

Closing his eyes, he pictures the unconscious body of Jensen lying on the ground, recalling all the gory details. He’d definitely lost weight and build from what Jared could remember from before. A number of cuts, some superficial and some deeper, had marred his perfect face. And his hands and arms had carried the tattered shreds of bandages, bandages that had tried to dress additional cuts on the tops and palms of his hands and on his wrists. Drawing in a broken breath, he remembered that some of the cuts across Jensen’s wrists seemed intentionally drawn and designed to allow his blood to drain out. He had tried to kill himself…

And with that realization, all the fear and guilt and doubt that Jared had worked so hard to put behind him slammed back with a vengeance. Showering and scrubbing until he was raw and blue from the ice cold water that rained down on him after an hour under the flow, Jared pulled on a pair of sleep pants and old T-shirt, and tried to find the sleep that now eluded him for the first time in weeks.

~

Steeling himself, Jared forced himself through the doors of the hospital. It felt like returning to the scene of the crime. He had no doubt now of what he had done, the whispered murmurs from last night of the nurses and orderlies, that confirmed, condemned him, for what had been done to one Jensen Ackles.

_So sad, he’s been through so much, poor boy._

_Should have stayed in treatment… so angry._

_’Fraid he’d be back, recovering from such a brutal rape is so hard_

Linda, the volunteer coordinator, pounced on him first thing. “Hey Jay, God I’m glad to see you. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Liar-liar-pants on fire…

“Good, do you mind getting right to work? It’s been a hectic night. I need you to sit with a patient, try to get him to eat something. Lunch should already be there. Well, he’s restrained, so you’ll need to feed him.”

“Yeah… sure.” He knew without a doubt who his patient was, cosmic justice was about to shit a major brick on him.

“His name is Jensen. He’s the one you helped Tom with last night… Sad case, you remember the grad that was attacked? Well, he hasn’t been doing well, we had him here nearly a month after that, medical complications, and I guess last night it got to be too much for him. And, well, they think he tried to kill himself. So anyway, just keep the conversation light. Well you’ll probably have to do all the talking, he’s not saying much. But you’re good at that, you do so well with everyone, I’m sure you’ll have him eating out of the palm of your hand in no time. Or at least maybe the Jello de jour. Do what you can, ok? He’s had a real rough time of it. Right now, he’s in here for at least 48 hours observation.”

Sighing inside, his inner voice telling him to suck it up, he assured Linda, he could do it.

“Thanks, Jay. Normally, a nurse or an orderly would be doing this but after last night’s pileup, everyone’s stretched. I think lunch has already been delivered, just be yourself. Nobody can withstand the Padahappy. Jensen, well he needs some happy right now.”

Standing outside room 322, Jared pokes his head him, knocking softly on the door frame. The man on the bed makes no acknowledgement other than a quiet broken sigh as he turns his head towards the opposite wall. Taking a deep breath, Jared walks in, noting that Linda was correct, lunch was indeed on the side table tray. 

“Hi, I’m Jared… Linda asked me to stop in and see how you’re doing.” Walking closer, he sees that Jensen’s been cleaned up. New bandages cover his hands and wrists, and cushioned nylon restraints loosely cuff his arms to either side of the bed. Although he’s turned away, butterfly bandages are visible on some of the facial cuts he remembers from last night. A few apparently required stitches, those black threads stand out starkly against his pale skin. Pulling the table tray closer to the bedside, Jared lifts the cover off the plate.

“So are you hungry? Looks like the Jello of the day is orange. That’s good, purple tastes like cough syrup and yellow should be lemon but it reminds me of a Ricolla. Hmm, looks like they pulled all the stops out for you today, the chef’s surprise looks especially tasty, easily digestible although I recommend taking it in small portions. And milk, low-fat, I think it’s a law or something that they can’t serve whole milk. So what shall we start with, Linda said I had to get you to at least try the Jello, take it from me Orange is the way to go, although Red’s a good backup plan…”

“I’m not comatose you know. I am fully awake, aware, cognizant, lucid, what the fuck ever. Now. Leave.” Jared was surprised when Jensen first spoke, a quiet baritone which gradually increased in ferocity until Jensen’s “Leave” was practically a growl.

“They’ll kick me out of the volunteer corps if I don’t get you to at least try the Jello.”

For a long time, Jensen said nothing, then with a resigned sigh, he finally asks, “Will it get you to leave?”

“Probably not, but it’ll score me some points with the hot nurses.”

Jensen’s chuckle was a surprise, and when the man turned towards him, a ghost of a smile warmed his pale complexion. After months of faraway glances, Jared was finally close and personal with the object of his crush, his gay epiphany, and for a moment, he wondered what might have been. Then, letting professionalism be his cloak of protection, he brought out the Padalecki smile, dimples out in full force, “So how about it, help a guy out?”

“Take the restraints off? Can I feed myself? No…guess not, huh? Ok, Jared, bring on the Jello.”

The rest of the afternoon passed quickly, Jensen let Jared feed him most the Jello and drank some of the milk. But he seemed to be talked out, so Jared rambled on and on about anything he could think of, home, family, football, classes. And for all that Jensen seemed to ignore him, Jared felt that he was at least listening. When finally he had to leave, Jensen turned his head to look at him.

“You coming back?”

“Yeah, I can, after class tomorrow, in the afternoon.”

“Ok, see ya then.” 

That night, the nightmares were back. He’d avoided them the night Jensen was admitted by just not sleeping. But pulling an all-nighter and then spending the afternoon with the victim of your drug-induced, same-sex coming out party was physically and emotionally exhausting. So in the wee hours, when he could no longer resist Morpheus’ call, Jared drifted and fell into a burning nightmare that made those from months ago seem like a trip to Disneyland.

Much the same – sparkling lights, burning pits of magma, green eyes – only now, he knew Jensen’s voice. And that was the voice that begged him to stop, pleaded and screamed “NO”, strained and hoarse, until the pleas were nothing more that whispered gasps. He’d seen Jensen’s face today up close and personal, and now when those green eyes lifted out of the magma, a macabre reverse skinning took place. Around the sockets of those eyes a burned skull grew tissue, muscles and then flesh, until his face unbroken and freckled stared back at Jared. The face smiled at him then the smile twisted into an inhuman smirk, the face’s eyes hateful and screaming. Bloody lines exploded on the previously unmarred skin, flaying down to muscle, then bone, until only those accusing eyes remained to be claimed by the fiery magma, popping like grotesque kernels of corn. This time, when his screams pulled him from the nightmarish pit, Jared was grateful that Matt was spending the night with his girlfriend.

As Jared stood in front of the hospital the following afternoon, he reconsidered calling in sick. But, sighing, he accepted this as his penance and soldiered through the automatic doors. Who knows? Maybe he’d get lucky and Linda would take it out of hands and send him home. But after the nightmares from the night before, blowing a test in his morning class, and spilling hot mocha all over himself when the poorly secured plastic lid popped off, he knew it was Shit-on-Padapuppy day so he wasn’t counting on it. And wasn’t he the lowest person on the planet, crying over spilt coffee while his rape victim was hospitalized from a suicide attempt for which Jared was ultimately responsible for? God, he sucked.

“Jay! There you are… holy crap! You look like shit!”

“Hey Linda, yeah, don’t sugar coat it, tell me what you really think…” Jared tried for their usual banter, but it was a pretty pathetic attempt.

“You sure you want to work? You don’t look like you feel all that great, and it’s not too bad today so we could probably get by.”

And there it was, his out, he could turn around and leave, his cowardice sanctioned. Jensen’s only admitted for a 48-hour observation period so by tomorrow afternoon, he’ll be gone. Jared’s brain does a happy dance, screaming for him to agree with Linda’s assessment and get the fuck out of Dodge. But his guilt-ridden conscience frowns and reminds him that he is a belly-to-the-ground roach of a human being, and demands that he submit for his punishment. His stupid, masochistic conscience wins.

“Nah, let me just find a scrub shirt to change into and I’ll splash some cold water on my face. That should put some sparkly back. But thanks anyway.” May the beatings commence, “So how’s Jensen today?”

“Better today. They removed the restraints this morning, so he’s happy about that. Well, ‘happy’ isn’t really the right word, but I know he’s relieved to be able to get up and move around. He wasn’t thrilled last night with the night nurse when she offered him a bed pan. They had a car accident in an emergency so there wasn’t an orderly available to watch over him while he used the bathroom.”

Jared felt about two inches tall, “That sucks. So they removed the restraints, does that mean they don’t think he’s, uh, suicidal?” Please, please, a bone here…

“They’re not convinced yet, but they don’t think he’ll try anything in the short-term. So, would you mind visiting with him again today? He did seem to be in much better spirits after you left yesterday.” 

Yep, it definitely was Shit-on-Padapuppy day.

Once Jared found a scrub shirt close to being the right size, he stripped off his flannel and coffee-stained T-shirt and changed into it. The scrub was a bit tight, pulling a bit across the chest and hugging his biceps just the uncomfortable side of snug, but shirts beyond the XL range were harder to come by and he was tired of smelling like stale coffee, so it couldn’t be helped. A little cold water and bracing slaps on his face revived some color, and hopefully the eye drops would be quick-acting on his blood-shot eyes.

“Sparkle! Yeah, right.” Grimacing one more time in the mirror, Jared heads up to room 322.

He was surprised to find the room empty and hadn’t run into Jensen in the hallway, which given the circumstances was a bit concerning. The bed was unmade and obviously in use, and the whiteboard outside the room declared that the occupant was “Ackles, J” so he knew that Jensen hadn’t been moved. Fortunately the sound of a flushing toilet from the room’s bathroom stopped him from raising a premature alarm and as the door opened, he turned in anticipation.  
In retrospect, changing in to a too-small shirt that made him look every inch of the 6’4” muscle-bound football player he was and then visiting an assault victim such as Jensen, who knew he had been over-powered by someone of Jared’s stature give or take, was not the most brilliant idea. In fact, it turned out to be a monumentally stupid idea.

Jared realized this almost as soon as Jensen stepped out of the bathroom and apparently catching a glimpse of someone in his room, looked towards Jared. A tall man himself, Jensen’s gaze first met Jared’s chest then traveled up, his eyes widening momentarily in surprise then in full blown panic as they took in the breadth of Jared’s shoulders and his height. Jared had never had a close encounter with wildlife while driving, but now feels like he would know what a deer in the headlights would look like.

Even as Jensen backed away, he fought his flight instinct once he recognized Jared. But by then, his feet had gotten tangled up in the droopy cuffs of the too-loose pair of sweatpants that someone had so thoughtfully brought in for him. Losing his fight to regain his balance, Jensen slipped and fell to the floor, striking his head against the wall behind him on the way down.

“Oh crap!” As Jared rushed to Jensen’s side, he punched the alarm for the Nurses station. Gratefully, he noted that Jensen was still conscious although his breathing was rapid and erratic. At this rate, he’d hyperventilate himself into unconsciousness.

“Whoa, it’s ok, deep breaths. In… out… in… out."

“Shit… didn’t… realize… you’re… huge…” Jensen’s voice panted even as he struggled to follow Jared’s lead. Moments later, a nurse and Dr. Chang rushed in and Jared backed away. 

“He lost his balance and fell against the wall. I know he hit his head but I don’t think he lost consciousness.” He’d been at the hospital long enough to know that a report, complete and conscise, was expected and necessary to determine the next course of action.

Quickly and efficiently, Jensen’s vitals were taken and his condition assessed as Jared watched with trepidation. When Dr. Chang finally asked him to help Jensen back to his bed, apparently satisfied that he wasn’t in any immediate danger, Jared breathed a sigh of relief. As he reached out to help lift Jensen from the floor and, after only a moment’s hesitation, Jensen accepted his out-stretched arm, he breathed another.

Once Jensen was settled back in bed, Dr. Chang pursed her lips and looked towards Jared. He had never felt so oversized and conspicuous as he realized what she was probably thinking.

“Thank you for your help, Jared. I think we have it under control now. Why don’t you go and see what else Linda might have for you to do.”

“Okay, sure.” He couldn’t help but slouch in defeat as he turned to leave.

“It’s okay, Doc. I wouldn’t mind the company. Besides, I might need some help cutting up the Chef’s surprise with just a plastic spoon.”

Jared couldn’t help the little spark of elation at Jensen’s soft-spoken request, and turned back. Looking at Jensen, he felt buoyed by the shy smile that crinkled the corners of those beautiful green eyes. Hopefully, that vision will conquer those in his nightmares tonight.

Of course the expression on Dr. Chang’s face was a douse of ice water on Jared’s glimmering hope and she looked like she wanted to overrule her patient’s request.

“Are you sure Jensen?” She asked with concern, those four words laden with so many unspoken questions that Jared knew without a doubt that had she had her way, the door would be slapping his ass, hard, on his way out.

“Really, I’m fine. Just tripped over my own feet coming out of the bathroom.” The self-depreciating smile Jensen inflicted on her, delivered from below coy, upturned eyes, seemed to do the trick, and after a “Tsk” and a “Hmmph”, she nodded and left the room. But not before directing a glare at Jared that promised immediate and painful retribution if he did anything to upset her patient.

“Wow, I knew she was intense, but… wow.”

Jensen chuckled, “Yeah, that she is. But the best, I don’t know where I’d be right now if…” He stopped, his smile dimming. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was clouding the moment but amazingly, Jensen seemed to shake it off and smirked at Jared.

“So where’s my lunch, Bitch?”

The rest of the afternoon flew by as Jared learned more about Jensen then he ever dreamed he would. Turns out, they’re both middle kids, each with an older brother and a younger sister. Similar upbringings, die-hard Texans, Jared was amazed at how many levels they meshed. The more they talked, shared, and laughed, the more difficult it became to reconcile this Jensen with the broken man that had been admitted only two nights before.

Too quickly, the afternoon turned to evening and Jared’s shift was long done. As Jensen stifled another yawn, Jared mentally kicked himself as he remembered Jensen was a patient and not his long-lost, separated-at-birth twin.

“Shit, dude! I’m so sorry. You’re supposed to be resting and I’m yakking your ear off. I guess I better head out before Doc Chang shows up with her bone saw or something.” Heaving up out of the chair, consciously remembering to slouch a bit as he stood, Jared stared at his feet, stalling, as he tried to figure out a way to suggest getting together again without it sounding like he was asking for a date or sounding creepy or something.

“So I guess you get out tomorrow, you maybe wanna meet for coffee or…”

“So I guess they’ll spring me tomorrow, we should…”

Both men stopped and laughed as their simultaneous questions bespoke their shared thoughts.

“Yeah, Jared, coffee sounds good. Give me your phone.” Jensen quickly punched in his number under Jared’s contacts.

“Ok, I’ll call you after they kick me loose.”

“But you don’t have my number.”

Jensen grinned sheepishly, “I sorta do, got it outa Linda.”

“Oh, okay then, I guess I should go.” 

“Get out of here, Sasquatch. I’ll call you.”

Feeling lighter than he has in weeks, Jared heads out as the dinner cart arrives.

As he’s leaving the hospital, Jared curses that he didn’t make a clean getaway when he hears Tom’s yelled greeting. He feels kind of guilty about ducking his friend (at this point, he’s feeling rather Catholic), Tom had left him a message the day after Jensen’s admission but Jared never returned the call. He knows his friends are worried about him, but there was no way he can talk about what was really bothering him.

“Yo Jay! You rat bastard, you never called me back!” Jared found himself in a headlock as Tom gave him a noogie.

“Hey Tom, watch the hair! Sorry, just got caught up in school. Kinda sweating out some of my grades.” Extricating himself from Tom’s grip, Jared slugged Tom on the arm.

“No problem, I guess it’s just not school though?”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, nothing really. Just heard Linda had you spending your last couple of shifts with the suicide attempt, that Ackles guy… Shouldn’t you have left like two hours ago?”

Jared wonders how much of Tom’s question was idle curiosity, and how much may be driven by the questions he knew Tom wanted to ask that Morning After. Ever since, they’d avoided the topic, adopting the don’t-ask-don’t-tell mentality. But what if he’d trusted Tom? Seriously, Tom had a hand in tripping him up so he really was involved too, along with practically half the team. And man, wouldn’t that be a scandal to rock sports news for months, maybe even years! Yeah, scandal… Tom comes from money, this kind of scandal – football star rapes male student while roofied by teammate – so yeah he trusts Tom, but Tom’s family would probably leave Jared swinging in the wind. Besides, Tom wasn’t the one that raped Jensen, nope, that’s on Jared. No, he needs to stick to the unspoken plan, don’t tell.

“Jay! Earth to Jay!” Jared startled to Tom’s finger-snapping in his face.

“Whoa, watch it there, almost took off my nose, dude! Guess I was just thinking about Jensen, guy just needed a friendly face, so I was happy to do it! After all, that’s what I’m supposed to do, right? He’s pretty cool actually.” Jared really hoped that Tom would take it at face value and not dig too deep.

“So, Jensen, hmm, how’s he doing? He’s that guy that was attacked a couple months ago, right?” By the look in Tom’s eyes, Jared knew what Tom was wanted to ask, ‘Were you the one?’ ‘Is it my fault’ ‘Are you gay?’ 

How did this all get so fucked up? He so wants to confess, wants someone to help him through this… but, no, he couldn’t do it to Tom, to the team, hell, even the school. And besides, Jensen was better, he saw it today. Maybe, if he just stuck around, was Jensen’s friend, he could help him get over it. Jensen could help him get over it. That’s the plan now, the best one he can come up with, yeah, he could do this.

“He’s better, and yeah, he’s the one.”

“Huh, heard some of the nurses talking, guess it was pretty bad for him at first. He ended up staying in the hospital a few weeks. Complications of the ra… attack. Glad to hear he’s getting better. Jay…” Jared cut him off, come on Tom, get with the program, DON’T ASK.

“It’s all good, Tom, hey, anything going on tonight?”

Tom studied him for a moment, “Sure, if you’re up for it, a few of us are meeting up at Shennies, about 7, see you there?”

“Cool, yeah, I’ll be there.”

Three hours later, and Jared was four or five sheets to the wind. It had been too long since he’d just let loose, so if his laughter was just this side of obnoxious, and maybe he was a bit too handsy with the waitress, who could blame him? It was a good day for the first time in a long time, and if Jensen’s smiling face popped up in his head a few times, well, that was just gravy.

When finally they called it a night, Jared found himself with a handful of cute, petite, brunette Co-ed. As he drove into Sandy (Cindy? Sammy?), her pants and moans of pleasure whispering against his chest, if Jensen’s smiling face popped up in his head a few times, that didn’t mean anything, right? After all, Jensen was a constant presence for Jared these days. And when, in his mind, Jensen’s eyes closed and his mouth groaned in orgasmic bliss, Jared reached his own climax buried deep within Sandy-Cindy-Sammy, it didn’t mean he was gay, did it?

Thank fuck Sandy-Cindy-Sammy didn’t stay the night and left after the awkward exchanges of “We should meet for coffee” and “Call you later”, vague promises that they both recognized wouldn’t be kept. Nor she didn’t mention his little vocal slip as he came, maybe “Jen” sounded close enough to San-Cin-Sam-whatever, that she didn’t notice, or maybe she didn’t even hear. All in all, Jared didn’t regret the drunken fling. Being with her had helped clarify a few things, and he knew he had a lot more to figure out.

Now, as Jared lay awake on his bed, freshly showered and feeling more human after puking up half his guts, he accepted that he was bisexual at least, and probably more towards the high end of the Kinsey Scale. Hell, in high school, maybe he’d look in the locker room, but didn’t all guys? After all, you needed to check out the competition and confirm that you measured up. And that one party when someone had brought some gay porn, it wasn’t the gay part of it that he found arousing. It was porn, sex, you’re supposed to get hard. But if he was truthful to himself now, he knew even back then that there was more to it. That though was Texas, it just wasn’t done so he’d never allowed himself to consider it. And God only knew how his parents might react. But now, after two years of college in Califor-ni-yay, and of Jensen watching, he figured it was maybe time that he should at least acknowledge that he might just be into guys at least as much as girls. 

So that all sorted out, Jared began considering what gay sex would be like. Ignoring the guilt tapping on his shoulder to remind him that he did already know, just couldn’t remember it, and assuming that taking a guy might be pretty much like taking a girl, he wondered what it would feel like from the other side. Glancing over to Matt’s empty bed, and grateful that the guy had either heeded the cliched sock on the doorknob or maybe was still with his own girl, Jared pushed his briefs down and pulled his feet up, spreading his legs to expose his opening. With another quick look at the door, he licked his middle finger and moved it down towards his hole. 

Tentatively, Jared began to stroke the puckered tissue. Whether it was just the touch itself or the dirty-bad-wrong feeling of the forbidden, little tingles began to warm their way up, his cock taking notice. After a more stroking around his hole, he pressed in just a little bit, just to the first knuckle and clenched at the slight burn. Twisting his finger around, he was surprised as it actually began to feel good, his cock hardening in arousal. As he pressed in deeper, the dried skin of his finger dragged uncomfortably against the tight channel. 

Pulling out, Jared leaned over to the nightstand and grabbed the lotion. Spreading a generous dollop on his finger, he reached back down and spread his legs further. This time when he found his mark, he pressed in quickly, stopping briefly when he encountered a second tightening and then shoved it in as far as it would go. The walls of the channel clenched at the sudden intrusion and Jared grimaced at the complaining burn. Panting a bit, he hesitated until the burn dissipated and a new sensation had his cock taking further notice. Letting his other hand stroke his cock, he continued to explore the new territory. 

In and out, he moved his finger around, pushing and twisting in different spots. Feeling around with the tip of his finger, he located the bundle of tissue that could only be his prostrate. Not that he had intentionally researched, but he’d read that stimulation was supposed to feel good. Crooking his finger against that spot and dragging his nail against it, he gasped at the sudden wave of pleasure, proving the truth of the research. Quickly he increased the pull and drag on his cock as he increased the movements of his finger. He felt his balls pulling in tight as the flashes of pleasure from his hole intensified, until finally he arched and groaned as cum spilt from his cock, throbbing with each stroke against his prostate. After what seemed forever and not nearly long enough, he fell back on the bed satiated. Letting his finally flaccid dick fall against his thigh, he pulled his finger out, wincing as it slipped past the rings.

Grabbing his discarded shirt from earlier, Jared cleaned up the evidence of his orgasm. He tried not to think too much about what he’d just done, because his traitorous mind began pointing out some unpleasant facts. Just one finger had hurt, burned, and his dick was a whole lot bigger than his finger. And without the lotion to smooth the way, Jared knew it would have hurt so much more. He didn’t want to think about how Jensen must have felt, how much pain Jared must have inflicted back then. But blessedly, the alcohol he’d consumed helped fog his mind, allowed him to force those thoughts back into their compartments. As he let sleep claim him, his mind gave way to flights of fancy that, maybe just maybe, Jensen could forgive him, or at least would get past the events of That Night, and that maybe he was just a little bit gay himself.

The next day, morning classes flew by, soon enough it was the afternoon and Jared was to the hospital for his volunteer shift. Regretfully, Jensen would be long gone but Jared entertained the thought that Jensen would follow through on his promise to call. The previous afternoon, Jared felt that he and Jensen had made a connection. A connection that they could build a friendship on, perhaps even more, and then maybe Jared might finally be able to tell Jensen about That Night, explain what had led up to it. And in his best case dream scenario, Jensen, being awesome, would forgive him and they’d live happily ever after… Jared shook his head, he really was delusional if he thought that could ever happen. No, the best thing for everyone would be for him to stay far away from Jensen, let the guy have his life and let the both of them move on.

Deep in his thoughts, Jared was almost run over by Tom as they nearly collided at the double doors.

“Hell Jared! Pay attention man!”

“Hey Tom, sorry about that, guess my mind was somewhere else. Headed out?” Jared remembered that Tom had managed a couple extra days off before the official start of Winter break, so he was taking advantage of that and headed home early for the holidays.

“Yep, wheels up in three hours! You’re still heading out next week, right?”

“As soon as I get that project turned in next week. So I guess I’ll see you back for the New Year’s bash?”

“That’s the plan. Hey Jared, you got the number, call me if you need to, OK?”

“Sure, have a safe trip.” Promise made, Jared waved goodbye to Tom and headed up to the third floor to get his assignment. 

Up on the third floor, Jared got his first shock of the day.

“Glad you made it Jay! I’m going to put you on the beverage coach today. Oh, and make your first stop, room 322. I swear Jensen mainlines the coffee. After that, head over to Emergency ”

“What? I thought he was getting out today?” Jared nervously asked. “Did something happen?”

“Oh heavens no, nothing bad. Just the plastic surgeon got some time later this week, he wants to repair some of the damage on Jensen’s face while it’s still fresh.” Conspiratorially, she leaned in, her voice lowered, “Plus, I think Dr. Chang is hoping that if he’s stuck here, maybe he’ll finally talk to one of the counselors.”

Relieved to know that at least Jensen hadn’t had a major relapse, and maybe just a little excited that it meant he might be able to further their friendship, Jared pushed the coach down the hall towards 322. As he drew up closer, he could hear raised voices.

“Damnit Jen! Take the Doc’s advice and talk to someone!”

“Chris, I just want out of here. I can get the surgery as an outpatient!” Jensen’s voice lowered, “Since this all happened, I’ve been out this place for only a couple of weeks. I just want to be normal again, to be left alone!”

“Yeah, and how well is that working out for you?!?” Jensen’s reply was unintelligible. “Sure, and if you’re so okay, why’d I have to play whack-a-mole with your veins the other night, trying to keep you from bleeding to death? And don’t give me that ‘it was an accident’ shit, I’m not buying!”

Chris’ voice softened, “Jen, I love you like the kid brother I never had, I don’t want to lose you. But I feel like I might if you don’t let this go and I think you need to talk with the doctors to do that.”

“Chris, it’s not like I’m not trying… It’s just sometimes, God, it gets to me.”

Jared stopped outside the room, knowing he shouldn’t just stand there and listen. But the masochist in him had to see just what sort of damage he’d done. He could hear the sound of shuffling feet as if Jensen was pacing before he spoke again.

“The questions, why couldn’t I fight the guy off? I mean, I can hold my own in any fight, we’ve been in enough bar fights together, you know that’s true.” Chris made an assenting sound.

“Yet this guy just…took what he wanted, and I just lay there…”

“Jen, I know you just didn’t lay there. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like the guy was huge and strong, and he caught you by surprise. Sometimes, the odds are just against you.”

“And that’s the other thing, the not knowing, who, why… When I tried going back to school last week, every big guy I saw, I wondered if he was the one. Every fucking time I see some guy bigger than me, I panic. Hell, even that volunteer guy I was telling you about, Jared; when he came to see me yesterday, I freaked. And he’s just a sweet kid, like some huge over-grown puppy.”

“So what happened the other night? You were by yourself…”

“Umm, I ordered pizza, and the delivery guy was like this huge, linebacker type. I know I musta reacted strange or something, because he gave me this weird look, took the money, and ran.”

“Okay, so you freaked out the pizza guy. How does that get you here?”

“I guess I ended up in the bathroom, somehow. Splashing water on my face, trying to breathe, and I looked in the mirror and I got so pissed off. Shit, I’m a fucking grown man and I’m practically pissing my pants, freaking out over a pizza guy! I guess I hit the mirror, it broke, and I think I thought that maybe if I didn’t look so girly, maybe they’d leave me alone.” Jared heard a deep sigh, maybe Jensen, or maybe the Chris guy.

“I just started cutting, I don’t remember too much after that.”

“Please, Jen. This is why you need to talk to them, they can help you figure this shit out and maybe give you something to make it a little easier at first to not freak out every time you see some guy bigger than you.”

“I know Chris, I know you’re right. I’ll… I’ll think about it.” 

Jared heard some more rustling and figured that he better get in Jensen’s room before they discovered him listening. Taking a few deep breaths, he tried to get his racing pulse under control. He’d only ever thought of the physical damage he’d done to Jensen, and not so much the psychological. But there it was, bold-faced and with exclamation points. And now, he just wanted to run away from this, but that wouldn’t be right. He had to go in there and try to be a friend, try and fix the damage he’d done. Whatever it took, he had to make it right. So hunching over a bit, he pushed the cart into the room.

“Afternoon Jensen! Linda said I need to hook some coffee up to your IV. Oh, hey!” Jared greeted, pretending surprise at seeing the room’s other occupant.

He could see that Jensen was still upset, his tense posture pulling him inward. But as he motioned towards ‘Chris’, Jensen took a deep breath, looked up, and smiled.

“Hey Jay, this is my best friend Chris. Chris, that overgrown Sasquatch is Jared.”

Jared grinned as he held out his hand to Chris. Chris was shorter than Jensen but maybe about the same size in bulk. And he carried himself like he knew just what to do with it. Remembering the remark about bar fights, Jared could easily see Jensen and Chris taking on more than a few guys and still coming out on top. Well at least the Jensen he remembered. But pushing those thoughts back, he waited as Chris took his hand.

“Good to meet ya’. Jen tells me that you had to spoon feed him?” Chris grinned back at him, but Jared was taken aback when the smile didn’t reach ice-cold blue eyes. Instead, Jared felt their scrutiny as Chris appeared to evaluate Jared and maybe even assess his potential threat level, before giving a final shake of his hand.

“C’mon Chris, back off, you’re scaring the kid.”

Jared released the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, when Chris laughed and this time his eyes twinkled as he nodded towards Jared.

“Ya’ weren’t kidding, he’s huge. I’d hate to run up against him in a fight.”

Knowing what they had just been talking about, Jared cringed inside as he worried that one or both of them might connect the dots or maybe already had, and slouched just a bit more. But when Jensen chuckled, Jared relaxed and smiled in response as Chris guffawed.

“Shit kid, just messing with ya’. Pleased to meet’cha. Jen’s been singing yer praises about how good you’ve been taking care of him. He sure hasn’t been doing such a bang-up job of it himself lately.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence Chris, you can shut up anytime.” Jared caught the look Jensen gave his friend before he turned back to Jared. “Now about that coffee…”

After spending a few more minutes in Jensen’s room, Jared excused himself to do his rounds with the ‘real patients’. And at Jensen’s insistence, he promised to return later for the poker game that Chris was putting together.

The next couple of days went by quickly, classes in the morning, afternoons at the hospital, and evenings in Jensen’s room until the staff kicked Jared and Chris out for the night. While Jensen still refused to talk to any of the staff counselors about either the attack or his ‘accident’, it was clear that on a physical level, he was improving dramatically. His wounds were healing well, the smaller cuts on their own with the plastic surgeon promising that scarring on those would be minimal, if any. The deeper cuts would be dealt with in the surgical suite but the surgeon had expressed a positive prognosis for those as well. Jensen had lost the bloodless pallor he’d had when he was admitted and under the nutritionist’s guidance, he was putting lost weight back on, no longer so gaunt and resembling a recovering drug addict. It was this weight gain that had Chris chortling in glee after his latest crack that called Jensen a pretty twink. 

It was late Thursday evening and the three of them were stuffing themselves full of smuggled fast food burgers and fries. Jared cringed after Chris made the remark, considering that Jensen had tried to scar that beauty because he’d thought it made him vulnerable, Jared thought it was a pretty dangerous comment and had to bite his tongue before he revealed something that he wasn’t supposed to know. But when Jensen laughed, he forced himself to relax. Two days in their company and he knew that Chris’ ability to get away with the remark without triggering anything for Jensen was testament to their deep, long-standing friendship.

“You’re such a jerk, Kane. You’re just jealous cuz I get all the cute ones.”

“Oh yeah, that’s it. I’m quaking in my boots and eternally grateful that you usually hit for the other side.” 

Then, Chris stopped laughing and looked at Jared, who had been silent since the delivery of the twink insult. His eyes widened in disbelief, and then narrowed in disgust.

“That a problem for you, son?”

Jared had witnessed Chris’ anger only once before, that time it had been directed at Jensen after the poker game, when Jensen flat out told him he wasn’t going to talk to “anyone about anything”. The two of them had stood toe-to-toe, and Jared had been convinced then that Jensen was healing on a psychological level as well. Otherwise, there would have been no way he could have withstood the flood of arguments that Chris unleashed. In the end, Chris had backed down, mumbling about idiots and funerals, and stormed out of the room. Jensen had sighed then, shook his head, and told Jared that he’d be back. And sure enough, the next evening when Jared dropped by after an afternoon of reading fairy tales to a sick little girl, Chris and Jensen were laughing together as if nothing had happened.

But now, that anger was threatening to unleash on Jared, and he knew that there was no way he’d fare as well. To make matters worse, Jensen had stopped mid-snicker as he became aware of the tenseness of his meal companions and the sadness on his face told Jared that he had caught Chris’ last question and also reached the same wrong conclusion. Gamely, Jensen tried to defuse the tension.

“Chris, back off. It’s okay, really.” Although his tone was conciliatory, Jared heard the undertones of hurt underneath. And he saw Chris heard that as well, if the darkening of his expression was any indication.

Facing the onslaught of anger and hurt that emanated from the two men, Jared chose his words oh so carefully.

“Nah, I kinda like the twinky type, appeals to my inner caveman I guess. Makes me feel all big and strong.” 

With that delivered, he let loose with the should-be-patented, guaranteed never-to-fail JP puppy faced grin, praying to all the angels and saints that he hadn’t just fucked up everything royally and that he wasn’t about to die.

Chris stared at him dumb-founded, and then nearly fell of the bed the three of them sat on, doubled over in laughter. In between snorts, and with tears streaming down his face, he gasped out,

“As if! One look at you, and you probably have all the butch types tripping over themselves to have you call them daddy!”

That one had Jensen snorting out his appreciation, and Jared thanked his lucky stars and promised to attend church every Sunday for at least the next month. Joining in the laughter, Jared glanced over at Jensen, catching the older man’s warm smile and a new look that sparked of interest directed at him.

Unfortunately, their cackles carried out the door reminding the night nurse of their presence. Before long, she was at the door, arms crossed across her chest in mock annoyance. 

“Alright, ‘children’, no sleepovers allowed. Time for you two to head out. I need to get my patient settled down for the night, he’s got surgery in the morning.”

Grumbling about Nurse Ratched and cruel hospital policies, Jared and Chris said their good-byes with promises to return the following day.

“I’ll stop by in the morning after your surgery. We got a gig at Shennies tomorrow evening but I’ll be back Saturday to keep your sorry ass company.”

“You better man! And bring some real food, I don’t wanna be stuck two more days eating this hospital shit.”

“You got it, assuming they don’t confiscate it when I come in. Hey Jay, if yer not busy, stop by tomorrow at Shennies. Ya can meet the rest of the band, and if I do say so myself, we’re pretty damn good.”

“Sounds like a plan. I’ve got a final in the afternoon, Jen, but I’ll stop to see you by after that. And then maybe I’ll head over to Shennies, Chris. Looking forward to it.”

After leaving Jensen mumbling about inconsiderate assholes who waved boys-night out like a red flag to a bull, Jared headed back to the dorms. And it occurred to him that in the space of ten minutes, two major events had taken place. One, he was now on a nickname basis with Chris-fucking-Kane, and two, he had just outed himself.

The next afternoon, after yet another restful night of sleep, Jared showed for his shift at the hospital. He was thrilled, pretty sure he had passed his final with flying colors, and looking forward to seeing Jensen with yet another step to recovery behind him. For the first time in a long time, everything seemed to be heading in a positive direction.

Walking past the gift shop window, the colorful display of blinking headbands caught his eye. Smiling gleefully as an image formed in his mind, he entered the shop and picked out one of the bands. After popping it on top of his head, he bent down to look in the mirror on top of the display cabinet and grinned at the sight. Another image crept in, and glancing down, he grabbed a couple more items and went to the cashier to make his purchase.

It was purely an impulsive move to pick up the second pair of reindeer antlers and the rubber nose, thinking how funny the two of them might look singing “Rudolph” to the kids in the pediatric ward. Best intentions and all that.

So, with excitement making him more bouncy than usual, he walked down the hallway towards Jensen’s room, antlers proudly worn, the little LED’s sparkling with glittery joy. Linda saw him just before he reached his destination.”

“Oh sweet Lord, Jared. What have you got on your head?”

“I’m Rudolph, can’t you tell?” With a flourish, he popped the rubber nose on his own.

“Thought I might try to drag Jensen over to pediatrics for some caroling. See I got him a pair too!”

“Seriously? Well if you talk him into it, I want pictures! Pull the sick-kids-in-need-of-cheering-up card, and don’t forget to smile, he won’t be able to resist.” Laughing she tweaked his nose, passing him as he reached Jensen’s door.

Smiling back, he called to her, “Never underestimate the power of the Sparklies!”

But his good spirits plummeted as he entered Jensen’s room. Jensen was dead still in the center of the room, perhaps stopped on his way to the hallway. The color had drained from his face, his eyes wide, staring at Jared looming in the doorway. He looked like he was trying to say something, his mouth opening, then closing. In rapid fire, Jared imagined he could almost see the emotions flit past in Jensen’s eyes, as if he were trying them all on to find the best fit. First shock, then disbelief, followed by fear, and finally anger won the battle. His body shaking with rage, Jensen backed away from Jared.

“Jen, what’s wrong?” Jared took a step towards him, his hands extended, palms up, the second pair of antlers twinkling in one clasped fist. Jensen shook his head, holding his hand up as a warning to back off.

“It - was - you… You goddamn, mother-fucking, cock-sucking asshole! It was fucking you! Shit! Why didn’t I see it before? Your voice, I shoulda known! I told them I’d never forget but I did. What are you some kind of freak? All this time, you musta been laughing how I didn’t see it, realize… what was this, some kind of game to you?!? The whole time you were fucking me… ra-aping me, all about the goddamn fireflies, the sparklies… so was this… to fuck with my head… up the ante, see if I figured it out?”

“Jen, I… it’s not like that, I didn’t…” Jared couldn’t believe this was happening. He’d wanted to tell the truth, wanted to explain, but not like this.

“Yeah, and that’s the shitty part of it. I never saw you, so you think you can deny it all you want.” Jensen’s voice went low, the anger now focussed with lethal intensity.

“But you’ll burn, they’ve got the DNA. They’ll test you and it’ll match. Then we’ll see who’s the bitch. Nice pretty boy like you will probably make lots of new friends in prison.”

“Jen… Jensen. Please, it wasn’t like that. I was tripping, the guys gave me something and I don’t remember what happened… Please believe…” Jared tripped over his words, rushing them, trying to get his truth out as fast as he could before Jensen shut him down. Which happened all too soon. Jensen’s voice sounded like a grim reaper, his face closed off in a cold, hard, hate.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night… Just get outta here… away from me. Enjoy your freedom while it lasts, you’re gonna to rot in hell.” And the only emotion Jared saw after that was the anger that drove Jensen’s fist into his jaw.

Stumbling backwards against the assault, Jared fell against the wall. The Jensen he had gotten to know over the past week was gone. Gone was the broken man that he had first seen bloodied and emaciated, fighting against Tom and him. Gone was the reserved man sitting dejected in a hospital bed, struggling to get over the demons, both real and imagined, that had plagued him for so many weeks. Jared wished he could claim the credit for putting a face to that unknown rapist, but knew it was only fate’s intervention that had allowed the truth to finally come out.

And now, most importantly, gone too was the man he thought that he could call friend, and perhaps someday, someone even more.

Throwing himself out of Jensen’s room, Jared stopped for nothing, as if the hounds of hell were nipping at his heels. All the peace that he’d found over the past few days was crashing into chaos and confusion around him. And by the time he reached the dorms, the only thing Jared was certain of was that his carefully planned rosy future was pretty much DOA. Jensen would have called the police, told them what had happened, and Jared knew he would soon be arrested. 

In a way, Jared was relieved that it was all finally over and now he would finally be able to pay for his crime. He regretted that the shame of it would probably destroy his parents, his family. But it was a small price to pay if Jensen might finally be able to put it all behind him. Remembering how Jensen stood up to him, even believing that Jared could and would hurt him, Jared felt some small amount of pride that at least that was one thing that Jared had given back to Jensen, born of hate that it was.

Briefly Jared considered running, packing what he could carry and heading out on the next bus to anywhere. But where could he go, what would he’d do? And remembering the weeks before and all the guilt, he’d be right back where he’d started. He’d always know that he’d cheated the system out of his punishment, and cheated Jensen out of closure. He’d always be looking over his shoulder and he realized that his own conscience would never allow him to forget. Jared snorted as he remembered Jensen’s bitter words, _whatever helps you sleep at night_. Hell, if Jensen only knew… The decision made, a strange sort of peace settled Jared and he lay down on his bed, waiting for Jensen’s retribution, and perhaps his own redemption.

Predictably, the nightmares returned as sleep claimed him. At least the latest one didn’t start with hellish fire and brimstone. Instead, this time the fiery magma receded in the wake of a man’s naked form walking towards him. Even from the distance he recognized Jensen, only the Jensen that he had first seen walking on campus all those weeks ago. This man was tall and broad-shouldered, moving towards him with the grace and confidence natural to a man who knew where he was going in the world. His light hair danced with glittering highlights from the light of the fires, his green eyes sparkled, and an easy smile lit up his face.

As Jensen drew closer, Jared could see a well-toned musculature which, considering he’d never actually seen Jensen quite like this before, must be how he imagined the man would be but from his recollection of a clothed Jensen, it was probably pretty close to reality. Allowing his eyes to travel downwards, he saw the light dusting of hair on Jensen’s chest that seemed to coalesce into a darker line of hair just below his belly button. Then his gaze trailed down to Jensen’s cock, not overly long but thick and resting in the dark nest of his pubes. How much of this were from his recollections from that disastrous night of so many weeks before, or were from his imagination, he couldn’t say, but he knew he was feeling the arousal of that experience as his own cock began to tingle.

Sick with guilt at his arousal, Jared began to move forward, apologies on his lips, but stopped when the fires suddenly belched and his dream Jensen began to change before his eyes. His hair dulled and flattened against his scalp. The eyes lost their spark and sank in bruise-rimmed sockets. The smile dimmed until it contorted into a soundless gasp. His legs stuttered in their confident walk until he came to a staggering stop. The well-toned skin began to sink into itself as the muscles beneath shrank in atrophy. Cuts began to appear slowly at first and then with rapid fire through the skin of his chest, face, and arms as if invisible, razor sharp claws were tearing at the man. Blood oozed from the wounds in trickles and then in rivers. His face contorted into a mask of misery as he screamed the pleading words Jared had heard so many times before. And as the last invisible blow struck, taking with it Jensen’s cock and leaving only a bloodied torn mass of flesh, Jensen arched in anguish and collapsed into the oozing red pool of blood at his feet.

Looking down, Jared realized that he was also naked, his own cock, stood erect and bloodied, throbbing in need. Sinking to his knees, he reached for Jensen, begging for forgiveness. Then Jensen’s hand reached out, a skeletal mockery of the slender fingers that Jared remembered fanning out the cards when they played poker. Then the ravaged body was rising, the hand squeezing Jared’s neck as he kneeled at Jensen’s feet, and a voice, Jensen’s voice, cold and unfeeling, hissed, “You’re going to burn…” Terrified and broken, Jared felt his scream rise from deep within.

“Jesus, man, I thought we were through with this shit!” Matt’s anger at being woken from his sound sleep cut-through to Jared’s consciousness. Panting, Jared pulled at the neck of his shirt, the collar twisted tight around his throat.

“Sorry, man… has… anyone called, or stopped by?” Although, he supposed the police wouldn’t just be ‘stopping by’. And they most assuredly wouldn’t have let him sleep, with just a message to “contact them at his convenience”.

“No, but I just got in an hour or so ago.”

Looking at the clock, Jared gasped. Over 4 hours had passed since he’d left Jensen’s room. Why hadn’t he been arrested yet? Were they going to wait until the DNA match proved positive? But they still needed a sample from him and wouldn’t they want to at least take him in for questioning? Maybe they needed some sort of warrant and that takes time? Maybe if he turned himself in, it might go better for him in the end? Why didn’t they come, he just wanted to be put out of his misery… Sighing, he pulled out his phone, wondering if he should just call them but who should he call? Debating, he saw he had 4 unheard messages…Maybe at least one of them was from Jensen. Maybe he had heard and listened to Jared after all… maybe he did understand… maybe everything could work out…

Pulling up the first message, he saw it was from Linda’s cell. The next two were also from Linda and the last one was a number he didn’t recognize. Yeah and maybe pigs would fly, he had Jensen’s cell in his phone so that last call was a mystery. Punching in the voicemail code, he put the phone to his ear to listen to the first message. Linda’s frantic voice sounded in his ear.

_Oh my God, Jared. Where are you? When you left Jensen’s room, was he okay? He just checked himself outta here AMA, barely said a word other than he wanted to be “fucking gone”, his words. God, he’s scaring everyone. The look on his face, shit, they couldn’t get a hold of that friend of his and Jensen’s not answering his phone. Listen, I shouldn’t be doing this, but I know that you guys were really getting along. Maybe you could check up on him, make sure he’s okay? He lives near the college at…_

Jared winced, he knew what Jensen had meant. The man he’d run away from tonight was not someone who was about to kill himself. Jensen had always hated being in the hospital, and now that he had all the clues figured out, Jared with his drugged out dick in the college quad, of course he wanted to be “fucking gone” so he could let slip the dogs of war on Jared’s ass. Linda’s next message was just as frantic with an edge of anger creeping in.

_Jared, what the FUCK’S going on?? Everyone heard the yelling going on in Jensen’s room and Mark said he saw you barreling out of there without a word. What the HELL happened?? CALL ME!!_

Linda’s final message sounded resigned and hurt.

_Hey Jared, I don’t know where you are or what happened… anyway, that Chris guy finally called back. Jensen’s okay so things have settled down here… listen, maybe you shouldn’t… oh hell, I don’t know… hey, just call me, okay?_

Jared punched the button to listen to the final message. His breath caught when he heard Chris’ voice.

 _Listen up asswipe, you come near Jensen again and you’re dead, got it?_ CLICK

“Jay, everything okay?” Jared looked over at Matt, his concerned question breaking through the dead silence from his phone.

“Yeah, it’s all good. I gotta go out. Just got some shit to deal with.”

“Hey, sorry man, anything I can do?”

“Nah, Matt you’re a good friend, I just want you to know that. But this, well it’s on me, I know what I have to do.”

Even though Matt tried, Jared couldn’t bring himself to explain any further. Leaving his perplexed roommate behind, Jared trudged across the campus towards the Campus Security offices. At least there, he knew that once he confessed, they would know who to contact at the police department. He had no illusions that he would ever be returning to the dorms and vaguely wondered what would become of all the things he was leaving behind. What would his teammates, his friends think of him? He thought about calling his parents but was afraid that they might try and talk him into waiting to turn himself in, to get a lawyer first. But he was too close to chickening out already, and then the nightmares, those that visited him in his sleep, and the one he was living in the daylight hours would never end.

Ironically, the trip took him though the quad area where it had all begun so many weeks ago. Sighing, Jared sat down on a bench trying to remember something, anything of that horrible night. Looking towards the grassy area that had once been cordoned off with yellow police tape, he could see the glittery reflection of moonlight off the water sprays of the quad’s fountain. Closing his eyes, he could almost imagine that the reflections were the fireflies of his drug-induced illusion. As he forced himself to imagine what had happened that night, he could almost see himself walking towards the grass and recognizing Jensen’s tall form walking ahead of him. He must have run to overtake him, and probably tackled Jensen hard to bring him down. That probably knocked the wind out of him, delaying any struggle.

A vague recollection tickles at the edge of his memory, he could almost remember sliding his hands up Jensen’s side, his back, under his sweater – he remembers now how soft the sweater was. Then he imagines that Jensen must have struggled, the sweater riding up to trap Jensen in the folds of the material, his hips writhing and pushing back against Jared’s stomach, against his…

Quickly opening his eyes, bile in his throat, Jared sobs in disgust. He deserves to be punished, even now, knowing what he did to Jensen, how he hurt him, almost broken him, how can he feel any sort of arousal? He forces himself to think of the act itself, how difficult it would have been to keep Jensen under control. Jared had the strength and leverage advantages but he knows that the level of violence to maintain his advantage would have been high. As he considered how he would have used his superior strength to bend and twist Jensen to his desire, perhaps even striking Jensen to force the man into submission; he felt rewarded as his stomach gave up the meager contents from the lunch he’d eaten hours earlier.

Kneeling, hands and knees on the ground as his body heaves, Jared finally lets himself sob out his grief. In all the weeks past, he’d tried to run away from what had happened, tried not to think about what he had done. Now he embraces the guilt, lets the anguish consume him, feels the regret for dreams that will now remain only that, until finally no more tears come.

Acceptance at last, Jared sits back on his heels and knows that he has one more stop to make before he turns himself in. For the sake of the all too brief friendship and of Jensen himself, Jared needs to see him first. Once the legal system kicks in, Jared would be kept away from Jensen and he’ll never have an opportunity to express his remorse directly, in person. And he wasn’t afraid that his presence on Jensen’s doorstep would make things any worse for the man. If the past week and then tonight’s encounter had taught him anything at all about Jensen, he knew that Jensen always faced his challenges head-on. That his rapist’s face, Jared’s face, had always been a blank and his motives unknown, that had eaten at his core but he still hadn’t broke completely. That much was crystal clear after what happened earlier. Jared had cheated him when he’d run in the face of Jensen’s righteous anger with only a weak attempt of an explanation and barely an apology. So he knew that he had to return to him, let him take his pound of flesh. If he showed up at the police station bloodied and beaten to a pulp, so be it, it was only just and fitting.

The rest of the walk went quickly, and it was too soon before Jared found himself outside the off-campus apartments that corresponded to the address that Linda had left in her voice mail. Standing under the street light outside Jensen’s building, Jared wondered behind which window Jensen called home. Steeling himself for the ordeal to come, Jared strode through the breezeway, noticing the mailboxes on his left. A quick look told him his quarry was in apartment C. As he found the right direction, he heard a door open and then Chris’ voice.

“Jen, you need to call that detective and tell him everything. By tomorrow morning, all this can be behind you.”

“I know Chris, but…”

“There’s no ‘buts’ about it! The guy raped you and then pretended to be your friend for the last week. There’s no telling what a sicko like that is capable of. He needs to be taken off the street before, before he does something else to you, or to someone else.”

Jared stood frozen, the why he hadn’t yet been arrested explained but the why Jensen hadn’t reported him yet now a new, larger question. A brief flight of fancy had him almost hoping that perhaps Jensen might yet forgive him. But he quashed the hope down as he heard Jensen’s ponderous sigh.

“I know, but tomorrow will be soon enough.”

“By tomorrow the asshole will be out of the state.”

“Damnit Chris! Tomorrow, okay? Tonight, I just want to try, I just need to figure out which ways up! Just give me that!” Jared guessed that Chris must have made some nonverbal comment or motion. “Seriously, man, I’ll be fine tonight. Now get outta here, I’ll call you in the morning and you can take me to see that detective, whatever… please?”

“Alright, tomorrow. I’ll be here at 8, be ready.”

Jared heard a huff and some shuffling, then a door closed, and he quickly ducked behind a shrub. He held his breath as Chris walked past his hiding place, Chris’ voicemail echoing in his mind, _you’re dead_. He knew Chris wouldn’t go that far but he also knew if Chris saw him, he wouldn’t be able to talk to Jensen, this night, if ever. Waiting, he soon heard a car door slamming and then the sound of an engine disappearing into the night.

Now or never… Jared walked up to the door of apartment C and knocked softly. From inside, he heard sounds of movement then he could hear Jensen’s voice getting closer.

“C’mon Chris, tomorrow!” The door was flung open and there was Jensen, wavering in the doorway, his shocked expression at his unwelcome visitor no doubt a mirror of Jared’s own in reaction to the man’s appearance. Guiltily, Jared could see that the day’s events were taking a toll on Jensen. He was too pale, the surgically stitched cuts repaired earlier stood out in stark contrast. Vaguely he recalls that they were covered the hospital, but judging by some torn stitches, he guessed that Jensen had likely ripped the bandages off at some point. A couple lacerations on one wrist, also recent if the angry edges peeking out from the butterfly closures were any indication, caused Jared’s stomach to plummet at what might have been the cause.

Jensen recovered first, his initial shock pushed back behind a mask of cold indifference. Crossing his arms across his chest, his angrily bit out question was a stark contrast to the indifference he tried to project.

“What are you doing here?”

On his way over, Jared had run through all the things he could possibly say, how to best word his apology and express his remorse. Now, all the carefully crafted answers to that very question fled leaving only the simplest, most sincere response he had.

“I’m sorry. For everything, I’m sorry.”

Jensen stared at him and for long minutes, nothing more was spoken. Finally, Jensen sighed deeply and brushed his hand across the back of his neck. He turned and walked back into his apartment, the door left open in a seeming invitation. After a moment’s hesitation, Jared followed closing the door behind him.

For long minutes, only the indecipherable tones of music from the low playing stereo kept a stifling silence at bay. Jared shifted nervously, his only clues to Jensen’s thoughts and feelings were the tense lines of his hunched back and slumped shoulders. Briefly, he wondered if perhaps Jensen still feared him. But as he cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak, maybe to offer reassurances, he realized his mistake as Jensen’s clenched fist raised and a single finger unfurled to silence him. Taking in the white knuckles and trembles, he thought he recognized barely restrained fury.

“You shouldn’t be here.” The softly spoken observation belied the physical evidence of Jensen’s body language, and Jared felt fear as he saw the path that they were rapidly traveling down. Jensen’s arm had dropped back to his side and Jared could see his fists clenching, unclenching, and he knew that Jensen was right. This had been a monumental mistake.

“I had to come, to try and explain.”

“What, to beg me not to go to the cops?” The words were bit out, sharp and brittle.

“No… I mean, whatever makes this right, I’ll do it.”

Jensen’s harsh bark of laughter cut as sharp as any knife, “And you think a ‘Sorry Dude’ is gonna cut it? You’re dumber than a sack of hair, if you think that makes it right.”

“No, I know that doesn’t make it right, but I thought…Hell, I don’t know what I thought, but maybe if you knew what happened, maybe, it’d help you get past this.” 

As soon as the words were out, Jared knew it was the wrong thing to say, how inflammatory it sounded as if Jensen was somehow responsible for laboring in the past. He could see Jensen’s shoulders ratchet up another notch, and quickly he foraged ahead, words spewing out like chunks of vomit trying to prevent the impending disaster.

“I mean, I thought you’d want to know what happened that night. I didn’t really mean to do it, I’d seen you around, but was always too afraid to try and talk to you. Afraid, it would make me gay or something. But it wasn’t your fault or anything, I did it, and I’ll turn myself in…”

Jared sucked in his breath as Jensen turned, his body shaking. The cuts on his face disappeared in the flushed tones of Jensen’s anger-reddened face.

“Fuck, are you kidding me?? What is your goddamn issue? You fuckin’ raped me, and then you show up at the hospital pretending to be my friend, and now you’re sorry and it’s not my fault?”

Jared backed away as with each new barb, Jensen drew in closer to him.

“That’s not what I meant. I was never pretending, I just couldn’t figure out how to explain…I can’t ever know how it must have felt…”

Jared’s head snapped against the wall as Jensen’s fist slammed against his jaw. Stunned he started to fall but Jensen grabbed his shirt, pinning him against the wall as his other fist stuck and twisted his head the other direction. Soon, both fists were pummeling into his stomach, left-right-left-right, until Jared doubled over, breathless.

“You wanna know what it felt like? I’ll show you what it felt like!”

Jared gasped as he was yanked up by the hand twisted in his hair. Stumbling forward, pulled by the force of Jensen’s anger, his breath exploded out as his stomach impacted with the back of the couch.

“I never saw you leaving the library that night. I heard you though, running towards me and then the next thing I knew, you’d flattened me to the ground.”

_The sparkling of the fireflies had led him to what he desired, ahead the man walked oblivious to Jared’s presence. As he seemed to drift further away, Jared ran and tackled him to the ground full force. “Don’t worry, I keep you here. The fireflies helped me find you, all sparkly bright, I’ll keep you safe with me.” The stunned man on the ground moaned and twisted under him._

“Please…stop…Jen…Jensen…don’t…”

_”Stop…please…stop…who…why…” The voice, breathless and muffled by the ground, begged as Jared pushed his face into the dirt, trying to silence the pleas. As the body twisted beneath him, he felt bliss as the pressure stimulated his engorged cock with pain-pleasure spasms. As Jared’s erection dug into the man’s ass, he reacted and bucked up with renewed force._

“I couldn’t move and then I felt you and I knew what was happening. I begged you to stop, tried to get away. But you wouldn’t stop.” Jensen’s voice sounded faraway, quaking with emotion.

Jared knew what that there could be no return from where they were headed, and he twisted underneath the body draped over him to try and escape his precarious position. Jensen’s knee drove upwards and Jared screamed as stars enveloped his vision. The hand wrapped in his hair yanked up hard, bringing tears to his eyes, then brutally ground his face into the seat cushions. He felt Jensen’s hands fumbling with his buckle, then the buttons of his jeans, and suddenly he was bared from the waist down.

_The man’s attempt to escape caught him by surprise, it didn’t make sense, only Jared could save him… But next the man was scrambling to his feet. Only Jared was faster, grabbing at the man and catching hold of his sweater. Using that as leverage, Jared was able to slam him back to the ground and quickly he landed on top of him, his hands touching the bare flesh of his hips. So soft, he wanted more, his hands slid up the man’s sides, pushing the shirt up, feeling more of that soft flesh. The man was quiet and still now, no longer protesting. Feeling pleasure, knowing that his love accepted him now, he crooned in the man’s ear, of the fireflies and sparklies, how they lit the way and helped Jared find him. Reaching under the man, he pulled against his jeans, dragging them low so he could touch everywhere._

“I tried to run, but you threw me on the ground, I couldn’t breathe, passing out, kept seeing those damn fireflies you were going on about.” Jensen’s voice rambled on, lost in the memories.

Sobbing, Jared gave up, praying that it would soon be over. He thought he could feel blood dribbling from his hip where Jensen’s nails dug deep, keeping him in place. When Jensen’s knee slammed first into one leg than the other driving his legs unnaturally apart, he moaned as the muscles strained. Then Jensen was standing between his thighs, the denim rubbing harshly against his bare flesh. In shock, he listened to the rustling sounds of clothing shifting and no longer was it denim against flesh, but flesh against flesh.

_His love was moaning and moving sinuously below him. Jared knew it was time, he wanted to feel as if he was one with the man beneath him. Quickly, he unbuttoned his jeans and pulled himself out. Recalling everything he knew of the act, he rubbed against split between the precious globes of his love and then pushed himself deeper into that depth. The object of his dreams feebly pushed against him, his moans of pleasure driving Jared into a frenzy. Knowing where he needed to be, he felt until he found it, then he drove hard, impaling himself deep. His love screamed his ecstasy, rearing up against him. Soon, Jared’s way was slicked and he thrust harder, faster, until he found his release. While the man beneath him sobbed his pleasure, Jared whispered his love and gratitude for the fireflies that circled around them, lighting them in a sparkly glow._

Jensen’s voice dropped to a hiss. “You just shoved your way in dry and no prep, ripped me, I spent weeks in the hospital with the damage, anal tears and fissures they called them. They got infected, septic. I was prodded and probed, stitched, they tried to fix me. But I’m gonna show you more consideration than you gave me.”

Jared felt warm moisture moments after he realized Jensen had just spit on his ass. Then Jensen’s hand was wiping up the moisture only to push apart his cheeks and then Jared felt a finger pushing between and then down to his virgin hole. Knowing what was coming did nothing to prepare him for the actual penetration. Again he screamed as first one, then a second finger pushed hard into his anus. “Be over soon…be over soon” became his mental litany, as Jensen’s fingers pushed and pulled brutally, preparing him for the final act. And all too soon, the fingers pulled out and were replaced with the blunt head of Jensen’s cock. Jared gasped as he felt the initial pressure of Jensen’s first push and then cried out in wretched anguish as Jensen snapped forward in one brutal thrust, burying himself balls deep.

Time seemed to stop, but Jared knew that only an instant of time passed as he became aware of the throbbing ache deep between his cheeks from Jensen’s driving thrust before he felt the drag of his counter thrust. As the larger head of Jensen’s cock strained against his opening, popping loose, he realized that Jensen was no longer on top of him. From behind him out of his sight, he heard the sounds of Jensen retching. He was afraid, afraid to move, afraid that it would start again. He tensed as he heard that awful sound of clothing rustling, then running water from another room. He jerked as a warm, moist cloth stroked his hole, cleaning and soothing the hurt. Then Jensen’s hands were reaching down and pulling his briefs and jeans up, fastening the buttons up in their wake. Jared straightened up, supporting himself against the couch. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, he turned around expecting to see Jensen right there and was surprised that he had moved so quietly in his retreat and that he now stood, hands in his pockets back and head lowered, an arms length away.

“That… shouldn’t have happened, Jared. You should get checked out, it didn’t look like anything tore… but… you should see a doctor to be safe. And I’m clean, they did the whole work-up, back when… well… I haven’t been with anyone since that night.”

Jensen looked up then, his eyes awash with guilt, “I don’t know what made me do it, you didn’t deserve that.”

Jared opened his mouth, trying to find his words, but nothing came out except ragged sobs. His legs no longer supported him and he collapsed to the ground pulling his body in to itself as tight as he could manage. The floodgates opened and nothing could turn back their time. He wept for the rape he’d just endured, for the nightmares that haunted his rest and often his days, for the guilt he still carried, for Jensen’s rape, for the anger at the unfairness of it all. How long he sat like that, crying as he hadn’t cried in years, would only be vaguely defined by the clock, and in terms of ‘before’ and ‘after’, but not for the specifics of the in-between.

And as he remembered where he was, cried out for the time being, Jared became aware of strong arms wrapped around his shoulders and his face buried in a tear-soaked T-shirt. Startled, he pushed back and scooted away from Jensen, whose own face was red and tear-stained.

The two men stared at each other in despair and shame, until finally Jensen broke the silence.

“However you want this to play out, that’s the way it’ll go. Campus security should be your first call, they’ll contact the right department, I won’t fight it.”

Jared stared at him in disbelief, then began laughing, bordering on hysteria. “You want me to report you for this?”

“It was rape, Jared, plain and simple. I… you didn’t deserve that.”

“Huh.” Jared shifted back, trying to alleviate the physical pain in his ass.

“Chris is coming tomorrow, wants me to tell the detective on my case about you. I’d pretty much decided already I wasn’t going to, then you came over, and well… I think this whole thing is pretty fucked up, but we can’t go back. I heard you back at the hospital when you tried to explain what happened. But I couldn’t listen then, I thought that we had something and then it got tainted. I wish you’d told me before, that it woulda come out in a better way… before all this. I wish tonight would never had happened. Shit, and if wishes were horses….”

“Beggars would ride. Yeah, so what do we do now? I mean, you can’t seriously think I _gonna_ file charges.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty fucked up isn’t it. So I think we just go our separate ways… you should see someone, talk about what happened. I need to do that too. Go back to your world, Jared. Close this chapter, I’m gonna do the same.”

“So that’s it, just close the book.”

“Yep.” And with that, Jensen pushed himself up off the ground. And after a moment’s hesitation, extended his hand to Jared.

Grimacing at the awkwardness of the situation, Jared went ahead and accepted the hand up, wincing as he was once again reminded of the night’s events.

Not another word was spoken as Jensen helped him up, steadying him as he swayed on unsteady legs. Finally, he was out the door and heading back to his room at the dorms.

~ ~ ~

The dorm bustled with the sounds of talk and laughter, dragging boxes, and pounding feet. As Jared looked around his new room, he was grateful that his Junior status pretty much guaranteed him his own room, small though it was. The months between ‘then’ and now had been healing but on occasion he’d wake drenched in sweat, his own screams echoing in his throat. No roommate meant no awkward explanations for either sleepless nights or the medications he still took periodically.

Suddenly an arm reached around his neck, momentarily startling him, before he recognized the chortle of glee as Tom grabbed him in his familiar head-lock greeting.

“JT, missed ya around here!”

“Yeah, and if you don’t let me go, you’ll strangle me and you’ll have a whole lot longer to miss me!”

Twisting around, Jared hugged his best friend. “Man, I missed you.”

“Me too, ya’ overgrown puppy, me too… So how’s Texas?” Jared knew what Tom was really asking. Knew the guy was worried for him. His family was everything to him and when he left in July for home, he’d shared with Tom his plan to tell his parents about That Night, and that he kinda’ liked guys.

“Good to go home, but I’m glad to be back here.” Jared paused, “And yeah, we talked.”

Tom cringed. “Shit. How’d that go?”

“They took the whole ‘I might be gay’ really well. The other, that went okay, I guess. I didn’t give them all the gory details, name names, and stuff; but they figured out a lot on their own.” Jared snorted, “Seems their google-fu is pretty damn awesome.” Jared reached into one of the boxes and began unpacking.

Tom grabbed another box, “So?”

“Well, I told them I’d already talked to the vic…Jensen, and he wasn’t filing charges. And after they railed on me for not telling them sooner, and about the drugs, Dad gave me his lawyer’s number and told me to call him and get some professional advice. I know they’re struggling with the whole thing. It’s like their boy’s getting away with something like that, a crime and all. But said they’d support me no matter what. And I guess I knew that but it was good to hear. They were glad too that I was talking to someone about everything. Doc Jacobs is pretty awesome by the way, I’m glad you set me up with her.”

“JT, it was the only thing I could do. I mean the whole thing was pretty much our fault and…”

Jared cut his friend off in what was likely to be another long apology in a long line of apologies, “Tom, we’ve been over this so many times, and yeah, I know, man, I know.”

Turning away, he started putting some books up. He knew it was going to be tough coming back for a new year but Tom was his rock and he didn’t need the guy to feel any more guilty than what he already felt. When Tom returned after the winter break, Jared had finally come clean to his friend about everything. Tom was shocked to learn what Jared had done and what he’d been going though since. And once he’d realized his role own in the tragic events, he’d been devastated.

But in a true quarterback fashion, Tom had then decisively taken charge and set about trying to make things as right as he could. After getting Jared in for a full medical exam and testing, he’d hooked him up with a counselor that had been recommended by one of the doctors Tom worked with. And when Jared balked at seeing her, Tom had just shown up and started driving Jared to and from each appointment. Eventually, it took and as Jared opened up, things began to slide back into place. He couldn’t go back and change what had happened, but Dr. Jacobs had helped him figure out where to slot things and how he could move forward. Dealing with the guilt stemming from Jensen’s rape, the anger at Jensen after his own rape, then the guilt at that anger; all was part of the process, a process that he couldn’t have gone through on his own.

And it had taken a while to get back. It was a good thing that the fall semester was pretty much a done deal before he’d made that fateful decision to visit Jensen because the spring semester had been a disaster dealing with the fall-out as everything came to a head. Jared had barely managed to post passing grades in most his classes and had actually flunked out of his science course.

And that was yet one more thing Tom said Jared didn’t owe him for. After flunking his science course, graduating on time was in jeopardy. His schedule was already planned out for the last two years and it didn’t allow for making up the science credits. But somehow Tom had managed to get the instructor to allow him in the fall class. Between the class and required lab, Jared would be able to make up the missing credits with minimal extra time. So, yeah, Tom had more than come through when it counted.

“So, Intro to Sports Medicine is Wednesday, thought we could go in together, maybe get lunch before we head in?”

“Sounds like a plan.” Jared agreed. Everything was falling in place and Jared had high hopes that this new school year would be a whole lot better than the one that just past.

Wednesday afternoon, Tom and Jared filed into the large lecture hall along with a couple dozen other students. Tom identified the tall, dark-haired man standing at the lectern as Dr. Jeffery Morgan. As pre-med, Tom had already taken a number of the courses the department had to offer, including a couple with Dr. Morgan.

“He’s pretty cool. Don’t try to bullshit him, but he does remember what it’s like to be a student.” Tom reports to Jared as they grab a couple of seats near the middle.

As the clock turned to one o’clock precisely, Dr. Morgan cleared his throat and began introducing the course.

“He’s punctual, too.” Tom commented quietly as the room immediately quieted down.

Course syllabuses were passed back as Dr. Morgan began the tedium of taking roll and dealing with the other administrative tasks necessary for a first session. Jared listened as he glanced through the syllabus, responding when his name was called. Making a mental note to head over to the bookstore in the morning, he almost missed the introduction of Morgan’s TA.

“My office hours and contact information are listed in the syllabus, as are those of my Teaching Assistant, Jensen Ackles. Jensen’s a grad student in our department and I’m sure you’ll find him to be a valuable resource.”

Jared felt the room shrink to crushing proportions as he followed Morgan’s direction up towards the back of the room. There in the last row sat Jensen who appeared to be as on edge as Jared felt, his face pale and his green eyes boring into Jared’s briefly before his gaze swept the entire room as he nodded to the room in general. Jared could hear the murmured comments from other students nearby; “isn’t that the guy”, “heard he dropped out”, “…was raped” and wondered how Jensen was able to stand it. He wanted to stand up and yell at all of them to shut up and mind their own business. And maybe only Tom’s hand, gripping his knee and grounding him, kept him from doing that, or maybe just kept him from flying out the door. God, how was he going to be able to stand it? Memories of two fateful nights that he’d thought neatly packed away, collided and pounded his consciousness. Nightmarish images, long buried, rose in vengeance. This night would not be slept through without the aid of pharmaceuticals and he regretted not having packed his anti-anxiety meds in his backpack.

“Just breathe JT, it’ll be okay. Just breathe.”

Jared looked back at Tom in desperation, his friend’s expression as surprised as Jared knew his was. Their attention, and that of the entire class, was snapped back to the front of the room as Morgan spoke again, his tone forceful and demanding.

“Please respect our hours and do not abuse them.”

Somehow, Jared made it through the rest of class without having a full-blown anxiety attack. But it was a near thing as his brain shut out the world and fell flat on its back on the figurative therapist’s couch. Doc Jacobs kept telling him that one of the final steps in his therapy would be to face his fears but he’s pretty sure that didn’t mean having to come literally face-to-face with the center of all those not forewarned. He imagined Jensen’s eyes on him and wondered if they were, were they filled with hate or with guilt? And if he were to turn around, what would Jensen see or imagine he saw in his?

As far as his own feelings for what Jensen had done to him, he’d excused and forgiven the act. And it hadn’t been all that hard. Jensen hadn’t been in a ‘right’ mind, hadn’t been for a long time because of what Jared had done to him. So in his mind, he let him plead temporary insanity. Tom hadn’t really agreed with that reasoning and Doc Jacobs had just pursed her lips as he explained, but both acknowledged that Jared had at least faced and seemed to have dealt with that issue.

But his real fears all still centered around Jensen. Jensen had suggested that Jared get help, had Jensen ever done the same? When he’d left the apartment that night, Jensen had just seemed… there, cold, like a robot with all emotion sucked out. In the darkest days following, he’d feared that Jensen would finally succeed at what he tried to do a week earlier (and there was no doubt in his mind, that some part of Jensen had wanted to kill himself). But as the days became weeks, and he heard nothing, he let that fear go. But the rest, Jensen claimed he heard his explanations but did that mean he could forgive him? And did he still believe that Jared was only pretending to be his friend, that Jared really had betrayed that friendship? And there was the crux of the whole thing, the final key, Jared needed to be forgiven, needed to hear those words from Jensen’s lips. And in a fanciful world, he believed that they had truly begun in the hospital what could have been a beautiful relationship and he wanted to return to that world. That was the fear he was afraid to face, in the real world, that relationship was doomed, a near friendship nipped before it could ever be more.

“JT, dude, you can’t drop the class. There’s no way you’d get anything else to fill your schedule!”

Tom had been trying to talk him out of it since he’d announced his intention to his friend right after the unmitigated cluster-fuck of the day before. After he’d zoned out the rest of class, he’d seen Jensen once more right after, and had even started towards him, intent on facing his fears and hoping against hope that Jensen could as well. But when Jensen recognized his intent, his face had closed up without giving up any secrets, and he had turned and fled down to the front of the room, out the opposite door without even so much a word to Dr. Morgan. That pretty much made up Jared’s mind then and there. And now he just needed to get Dr. Morgan’s signature on the withdrawal form to make it official.

“Tom, I have to and I need to get going if I’m going to see Morgan before he leaves for the day. There’s no way I can do it tomorrow before class and risk…”

“I know, but kid, you can’t keep avoiding Jensen. Last semester was bad enough, you barely left your room. Are you gonna do the same thing this year and avoid anywhere that he might be?”

“I might have to! Chris almost beat me up that night I tried to join up with you and the guys at Shennies and Jensen wasn’t even there!”

“And that was then! You’ve done so well getting past everything, maybe he has too. Look, he’s obviously moving on; he’s back in school and TA’ing this semester. It’s been months…”

“And he can’t stand to be in the same room as me! You saw him, did it look like he’d moved on? I mean seriously, with our history, how could I expect that he’d even be impartial on grading or be a ‘valuable resource’ in this class? He could so easily screw me here. At least this way I can try a pick up a few credits from something else this semester and the rest later on.”

“JT, there’s nothing else available, everything’s so impacted. You’re screwed either way. At least I can help you with this class. Don’t drop it, we’ll make it work.”

“No, I can’t do this. I can’t expect Jensen to either. Tom, I got no choice here.”

Jared stared Tom down, and finally his friend looked away, shaking his head. After a quick hug, Jared headed over to the science building, hoping he wouldn’t be too late and be forced to deal with it before the next class.

As late as it was, the building was fairly deserted as Jared climbed the stairs to the third story where the teaching staff had their offices. Reading the room legends on the walls, he followed the twists and turns until he located the correct wing. As he drew nearer to what could be Morgan’s office, he could hear sounds of a muffled conversation from within. Hopeful that meant Dr. Morgan was still within, he paused outside the door, waiting for his turn. Trying to ignore the voices, he started when he recognized Jensen’s. So much for his plan to avoid any future meetings.

“Nothing’s going on Jeff, nothing I can’t handle.”

“So you’re telling me that you’ve been walking around like a scalded cat since yesterday afternoon because of nothing? Jen, I know you better than that. I know it’s not the talk, everything seemed to be fine at the start of the week. Even in the morning, what changed?”

“I’m handling the talk just fine, and the looks, and the curiosity. Jeff, I’m fine!”

“He’s in that Intro class, isn’t he…who is it, Jen? I’ll have him booted out of there so fast...”

“Jeff! Damnit, you know the story, what happened, and I’m dealing with it just peachy. It won’t affect how I handle my responsibilities, I won’t treat him any different.”

“Jen, you’ve come a long way, I just don’t want that shit fucking you up again.”

“He’s a good kid, Jeff, and you don’t know everything about this. He’s got just as much reason…”

Jared berated himself for standing there so long, listening when he shouldn’t. So before Jensen could say anything more, he knocked at the door and waited. After a few moments, Dr. Morgan’s voice boomed out to come in, anger still evident in his tone. Pushing the door open, he entered and stopped dead in his tracks overwhelmed by the tension in the room. Morgan sat scowling behind his desk, his annoyance fully evident and Jensen was just pushing himself up from one of the chairs on the visitor side. At least he’d had some warning, Jensen didn’t have the same luxury and the moment that he recognized Jared was clear in the abrupt change of his demeanor. As Jensen moved away, Jared held his breath as their arms brushed against each other. Before anything could be said by either of them, Dr. Morgan spoke, motioning Jared towards one the chairs.

“Ah, Mr. Padalecki, my office hours ended a half hour ago. Were you not paying attention yesterday when I stressed the importance of respecting those times?” Morgan growled out.

Jared took a deep breath as he could barely meet Dr. Morgan’s intimidating stare. A quick glance to the side confirmed that Jensen was still in the room, leaning against the far wall with his arms crossed across his chest.

“Yes sir, I just needed to get your signature on this paperwork. I need to withdraw from your class.”

“Hmm, are you sure you should do that? Mr. Welling led me to believe that this class was a necessity towards your graduation requirements.”

“Yes sir… I’m just not sure that I’ll be able to keep up. I can make up the credits with another class, maybe over the summer or add another semester…”

Jared was surprised when Jensen spoke from his corner of the room.

“Jay, if you’re worried about the… workload or the concepts… I’m here to help. I should be able to help you get through the material.”

Jared turned as Jensen spoke, surprised that his voice didn’t seem angry and in fact seemed sincere with his concern. Jensen had pulled away from the wall, and after only a moment’s hesitation, sat down in the other chair.

“So you’d… help me, really?” Jared tried and knew that it was an epic failure to keep the hopeful whine out of his question.

“Kinda the job description. I’m sure we could work through any problems you might have.”

The subtext of the conversation glared like headlights in a dark night, and Jared knew that he was having trouble not blinking in the face of it. Jensen’s expression seemed to reflect his own feelings and Jared dared to hope that maybe all was not lost.

“Jensen… are you sure that’s a good idea?” Dr. Morgan’s question threatened to douse the glimmer of hope fighting its way out of the darkness. Jared snapped his attention towards the older man, realizing that he had read between the lines too easily. Indeed, Dr. Morgan looked about ready to reach over his desk and snap Jared in half.

“Dr. Morgan, I’m sure I can get Jared through this class without any issues. We’ll work through it.” Jensen’s voice was firm and strong, and the soft smile he gave Jared sincere and hopeful.

Smiling back, Jared let himself believe that his flights of fancy might truly come to pass.

~ ~ ~

EPILOGUE

The fall semester was rapidly winding down into the winter break and Jared was ecstatic with the results of his final report for Intro to Sports Medicine. Hence an impulsive, impromptu ‘Thank you’ visit to Jensen’s office. Even as recently as a couple of months ago, such a decision would have been preceded by an extensive, pros-cons ad nauseam analysis, the results of which would have been to just send a simple email. But in recent weeks, things had been good. They hadn’t quite returned to the easy camaraderie he and Jensen had during that short week when Jensen was hospitalized nearly a year ago. And they never saw each other off-campus and Jared still avoided Shennies on nights that Chris’ band was scheduled to perform. But late in the semester, it seemed as if things just finally settled and their meetings were unmarked by any tension. Although in the last week, it seemed as if things had become strained again. Jensen had withdrawn and Jared felt as if walls were going back up.

Arriving at Jensen’s broom closet of an office, Jared almost knocked over Dr. Morgan as he was leaving. Jared was still very intimidated by the man, and although Morgan was always professional – painfully so – in his dealings with Jared, Jared felt the ice-cold shoulder every time they had any sort of interaction. 

“Sorry Sir.” Jared apologized and stepped back against the wall.

“Padalecki.” Morgan nodded a brusque greeting and brushed past, but then he stopped and turned back.

“Good job on that report, showed a lot of mature thought and analysis. Well done.” With a brief smile and another nod, Morgan continued down the hall leaving a flabbergasted Jared in his wake.

“So you gonna come in, or just stand there holding up the wall?” Jensen’s amused voice brought Jared back to earth.

“That…was surprising.” Jared shook his head before turning towards Jensen. “I know the guy hates me-“

Snorting, Jensen interrupted, “He’s not your biggest fan, true. But… well… you know as well as me, it’s complicated. Anyway come on in.”

Sighing, Jared followed Jensen into his office. That’s as close as he and Jensen ever get to addressing the big, sparkly elephant in the room. Things like that happen and they acknowledge in vague commentary how their respective friends react to whatever sort of strange relationship he and Jensen have built over the past few months, and never about what still lies between them. Sadly, Jared sensed that now that there was no longer any legitimate, neutral reason for them to continue to see each other, they probably never would bridge that gulf. Jensen’s recent reticence and now refusal to even look at him just serves to reinforce that.

“So I got a B+ on the final. I, ah, just wanted to stop by and say thanks for all the help in this class. I don’t think I could’ve done it without you.” Jared was already regretting his impulse and as much as he wanted to see Jensen just once more, it’s becoming clearer that his track record with Jensen would continue along the well-established path.

“I guess that’s all I wanted to say… So see ya’ around.” Turning back to the door, fighting his inner voice screaming that isn’t all he should or could say, starts to walk out.

“Jay, wait.”

‘Yes!’ his inner voice screams and Jared stops, hopeful but afraid.

“Now that I’m technically not your TA anymore, I was… I uh… I thought that maybe we could, well, maybe get together sometime and do something, like together.”

Jared turned back to study Jensen, his disbelief rendering him mute. Was he actually suggesting what Jared thought he was? A friendship, or maybe even more? And if Jared’s honest with himself, is that what he wants, still, even after everything? ‘HELLO?!? You even have to think about it?’ His inner voice screams incredulously.

Nervously, Jensen continued, “Look, I know we’ve got a really fucked-up history, and I don’t know if you can ever really forgive what I did, and maybe I’m alone here but it just feels like we’ve got something special. Or at least we did… Shit! I’m really making a mess of this. What I’m saying is I’d like to try and start over, clean slate, and just see what happens… Chris and his band are playing at this place downtown Friday, thought maybe we could grab some dinner before and then catch the show.”

“Forgive… you… are you for real? And seriously, are you asking me on a date?” Judging from Jensen’s crestfallen expression, Jared realized that Jensen misunderstood his surprised outburst. Quickly, he forged on, before Jensen could withdraw the olive branch.

“I mean, yeah, of course I want to go out with you. How can _you_ want… you’re really giving me a clean slate? Dude, we need to talk.”

Jensen smiled his relief. Chuckling, he replied, “That’s generally what you do on dates, you know talk, and then maybe see where it goes from there. So, you wanna meet there or shall I pick you up?”

“Picking up would be good.” Meeting is what friends did, ‘picking up’, well that’s dating stuff, and that is so what Jared wants this to be.

~

Friday night for Jared, when it arrived, was almost anti-climatic after days of analyzing and second-guessing what Jared had come to term the ‘Clean Slate Accord’. The what-if’ing and did-he-mean’ing that Jared did between the two events would have done an adolescent girl proud. Finally Tom, screaming in frustration, told him to man up and grow a pair. It was just a fucking date. Of course it was a fucking date that Tom wasn’t crazy about, but for Jared’s sake he was willing to give the ‘Clean Slate Accord’ a chance. So, dressed for a casual, friendly night out, Jared waited, half expecting Jensen’s call canceling out. And even when the knock on his door eventually did come, he was still somewhat surprised.

And damned if unicorns didn’t shit rainbows, dinner couldn’t have gone any better. Even though it started awkwardly as they struggled to find ‘safe’ conversation topics, both men weaving an intricate dance around the elephant that would have given Fred Astaire a run for his tap shoes. Jared finally broke it open during one agonizingly long silence, spewing forth about the ‘Clean Slate Accord’ in an incoherent psycho babble that had Jensen staring at him in mystified perplexion, before he finally burst out laughing until tears were streaming from his eyes.

That led to comparing notes on therapy (a necessary evil), coping techniques (there’s something to be said for copious amounts of alcohol with occasional outbursts of anger), and well-intentioned friends (God love ‘em but sometimes wish they’d get a life, preferably someone else’s). Although some topics still had that verbotten feel, a lot of progress was made by the end of the meal towards renewing their friendship.

As Jensen put away his wallet having paid for dinner (you can buy a couple rounds later), they headed to the bar area where the band was just starting to setup.

“Let’s grab a table in the back. Preferably one very poorly lit.” Jensen suggested, leading the way to a dark corner.

“Lead the way. So I guess Chris doesn’t know I’m coming?” That was the only explanation Jared could come up with for Jensen’s suggestion of a poorly lit, back corner table. And if that didn’t suck rocks as his mind dredged up the threatening voice mail from Chris. Although he didn’t doubt he could take Chris, it certainly wouldn’t be how he wanted the evening to end.

Jensen chuckled, “Oh he knows. It’s for my sake, figure if he can’t find me in the crowd, he can’t get drag me up there.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. I remember Chris talking about pulling you up to sing that one time.” He laughed at the memory from the hospital of Chris relating the story complete with voices and hand gestures.

“Well he lied, no way I sounded as girly as he made it. I did very eloquently flip him off, that’s true. If you want to sit closer though, that’s okay.”

“Nah, we can sit – “

“Jen!” Chris voice thundered across the room.

Jared cringed, not looking forward to this at all. Turning, he saw Chris moving back towards them, grinning as he saw Jensen. A smile that quickly dropped as his glance took in Jared.

“Easy, I can see you tensing up. Just keep your eyes on him and show no fear.” Jensen’s teasing voice interrupted his visions of raging bulls and hapless toreadors.

“I think they recommend you don’t make eye contact, less antagonistic so less likely to incite attack. And you’re not the one he threatened to kill.” Jared murmured back.

Jensen scoffed, “That’s where you’re wrong. I’ve lost count on the number of times he’s promised to end me. Wait, when did he do that to you?”

“Via voice mail, right after you found out. Oh shit.”

Chris stopped in front of them, wrapping Jensen up in a one-armed hug.

“Shit, Jen, whacha trying to do, hiding in the back. Gotta table right up front with your name on it.”

Stepping back, his eyes took in first Jensen then the two of them, and finally those ice blue eyes trapped Jared’s. As Jensen spoke a cautionary “Chris…” a long moment passed before Chris seemed to make a decision and thrust his hand out to Jared, smiling.

“Glad ya made it, Jay. Shit kid, I swear looks like you grew a foot since I saw ya last!”

“Yeah it’s been a while, owe it all to clean-living. You might give it a try, looks like you shrank some.”

Chris laughed, slapping Jared’s arm (a little harder then necessary Jared thought), and the tension broke.

“C’mon, lemme show ya’ll where to sit.”

The table that Chris led them to was far enough from the bar to be out of the main traffic path and secluded enough to provide some level of privacy. It also afforded a good view of the stage, and as Chris commented in a warning to Jensen to get his singing voice in order, he’d know right where to find them.

After getting their first round of drinks, Jared leaned forward, his hands wrapped around his bottle.

“I’m guessing Chris wasn’t too keen on us getting together like this.”

“He had some thoughts on the matter, but all things considered, he’s okay with it.” Jensen took a pull from his.

“Tommy had his own thoughts, so guess I know what you mean.”

The two men stared off into the bar, silent as they drank, each knowing where they had to go next but not sure if they’d be able to stand in the face of it. Jensen finally broke the silence.

“So, we gonna keep tip-toeing around this or shall we just bust it wide open? I feel like we keep talking in code and air-quotes, about how everybody else thinks but not about where we, you and me, are on this whole thing.”

“Clean Slate Accord, remember?” Jared laughed quietly and then spoke again.

“I tried to talk to you and explain what happened, to apologize. The story’s still the same, nothing’s changed since then.”

Jensen winced. “Ya picked a hell of a time to come clean, kiddo.” He finished off his half full beer in one draw and waved to the bar for two more. Leaning back, he took a long breath and looked back at Jared.

“Yeah, I heard you then. Then got the story again a couple months later. Your friend Tom, we, uh, ran into each other at Shennies one night. I was there for one of Chris’ shows. It got kinda ugly, I wasn’t doing too good back then, drunk off my ass that night. Well, Chris had my back, got me outta there before too many punches were thrown.”

He was interrupted as the waitress dropped off the next round. Taking a sip, Jensen continued.

“I’m not sure I ever told you I was sorry that night, I was you know, just as soon as I… I am truly sorry that I did that to you.” Jensen paused, peeling at the label of the beer bottle. He held his hand up as Jared started to speak.

“Why it happened, I dunno, I was angry, thought we had something developin’ and felt like you’d betrayed that. The surgery that day, finally finding out the who, the why and just how pointless and stupid it all was. Chris was over that night right after the hospital called him. I told him some, he figured out the rest, had his own idea on what I should do about it, and then there I am trying to defend you, everything so fucked up. And then you come knocking at the door, looking like some scared kid who’s seeing his future flying out the window. You started talkin and the only thing I heard was that I had to get over it, I guess it all just got to be too much, got pissed and then everything blew up. Next thing I know, you’re bent over the couch crying and I’m throwing up in the corner.”

He took a deep breath and looked at Jared. Jared had his answers, his apology, and wondered if what he was feeling now was how Jensen felt back that night. After such a traumatic event, it all just feels so pointless. They were both wrong and wronged, and they’d moved forward. And he knew that he wanted them to continue moving forward, together.

“So Tommy tried to redeem my virtue, huh?”

“You’re kidding me right… I bare my soul and that’s all you come up with? You’re a real piece of work Padalecki.” But his smile took the sting out of his words.

“Clean Slate, remember? Besides that’s what four months of therapy does for ya. Just moving forward, my friend, one day at a time.”

“That’s AA’s slogan you know, and I got ya beat, five months.”

Just then a screaming guitar and Chris’ rebel yell blared over the speakers and the show began. As Chris threatened, midway through, Jensen’s up on stage. And if Jared weren’t already gone, Jensen’s rendition of one of Chris’ songs would have put him over the edge. The slow ballad suited his low, gravely voice perfectly and every note rolled around Jared, burrowing deep and stoking a fire within him. Jensen’s eyes met his and he felt every promise conveyed, almost as if fingers were stroking his skin to a tingling mess. By the time Jensen returned to their table, Jared felt a pleasant tension brought on by the anticipation.

Of course Chris wouldn’t let them leave immediately after the show and Jared sensed that Jensen was as frustrated as he. But fortunately for Chris, he figured it out fairly quickly and let them off the hook. As they made their good-byes, Chris pulled Jared in for a hug, his voice rising softly to his ear, “Screw this up kid? You hurt him, I end you.”

And that’s the Chris we know and love, Jared thought as he backed away, nodding, “Got it.”

“Damn it Chris, just leave it.” Jensen cuffed his friend, the threat not missed. The two friends hugged and then Jensen reached over to Jared, his hand resting on Jared’s lower back, gently guiding him towards the exit. The contact felt right so he let his own rest on Jensen’s shoulder as they left the bar.

Approaching Jensen’s car, tension thrummed through the two men. Silent since leaving the bar, Jensen spoke first, his arm turning Jared and pushing him back against the passenger door. 

“So, I think I should take you back to your dorm, but just so there isn’t any doubt where I see this heading…”

Leaning forward, his fingers brushing the back of Jared’s neck in a soft caress, Jensen gently pressed his lips against Jared’s. The tip of his tongue traced the barest opening and Jared gladly granted entrance. As their tongues entwined in an ages old dance, Jensen’s hands began to move. One reached up to thread through Jared’s hair pulling him in closer, his lips widening to deepen the kiss. The other dropped down his back, skimming the sensitive spine landing finally to splay across a hip as he ground his own against Jared. Jared moaned around the demanding tongue, and let his own hands wander on their own exploration of the man kissing him senseless. He took in the toned muscles beneath his fingers, noting vaguely that Jensen had filled out very satisfactorily in the last year. Hard lines provided just the right pressure as he let himself be ravished. Too soon, Jensen pulled back, his breath panting in time with Jared’s own.

“We need to stop now, it’s been a night. Just need some time here.” Jensen rasped drawing away.

“Yeah, but just so _you_ don’t have any doubts.” Jared chased Jensen’s lips for one last, bruising kiss before turning to open the car door.

~

“Tommy, am I sexually attractive?” Jared asked his best friend out of the blue.

Tom sputtered, his spit-take of coffee making it mostly back into his cup.

“Dude! Hetero, remember? I don’t _ever, ever_ get anywhere near thinking of you like that.”

After that first date and the start of the new semester, they’d been near inseparable. They were referred to collectively as the J’s by their friends and outside of school and work commitments, it was a given that when you found one, the other was usually nearby. Made planning get-togethers easy, invite one and the other would show up as well. Today, Jensen had a study group he was mentoring so Jared decided to get Tom to help him work through why the J’s who clicked on nearly every level, seemed stuck on second base.

“No seriously, help me out here. It’s been months, we spend practically all our time together and the kissing and touching is fantastic, but anytime we get close to… shit this is getting awkward, isn’t it?”

Tom’s raised eyebrow spoke volumes of his agreement with Jared’s last statement. It also spoke volumes of the depth of their friendship that he eventually responded.

“JT, you guys have really only been together weeks, not months. And you do remember the whole “non-consensual sex” thing? You might be ready, but he had some pretty serious physical problems. Just give him some more time.”

“Dude, I guarantee you, the way he jumps me sometimes, he’s got no issues. It’s just weird, we’re going at it and his hand starts to – “

Jared blushed as Tom’s gagging stops his train of thought.

“Guess that’s a little TMI?”

“Yeah, that’s really a mental image I’m not gonna get rid of anytime soon, thanks for that. Look, quit being so emo about it and just talk to him, maybe he thinks _you’re_ not ready. And shut the fuck up! I don’t wanna hear what you’re doing to him to prove you are.” 

Jared snickered, the mental picture in his mind he knew would send his straight friend screaming out the door. But maybe Tommy had a point, “Maybe you’re right. He’s the only guy I’ve ever done anything with. What if I do it wrong and it’s not good for him?”

“Oh.My.God! Are you talking about how to top in gay sex? There’s limits, dude, limits!”

~

Friday night was generally movie night at Jensen’s. Pizza and beer, pretending to watch a movie until activities would devolve into a long, intense make-out session. And Jared was determined that tonight was going to end differently, in Jensen’s bed, with breakfast together in the morning.

It didn’t take long before they were moving along the same well-traveled path, the TV provided a flickering back light, bathing their bodies in flickering muted colors. As per usual, Jensen was the aggressor, pulling Jared towards him, his mouth tentatively brushing Jared’s as Jared opened his own to nip at Jensen’s bottom lip. Soon Jensen’s tongue found its way in, stroking and taking everything Jared offered. Jared would always remember their first kiss, but each new one since was an experience in itself.

Soon, he was moaning, leaning back, as Jensen mouthed his neck, sucking and biting, licking to take away the sting. As one hand rested, splayed on Jared’s back, supporting him, the other moved on his chest, his thumb pressing and circling a nipple, then flicking across the hardening nub. Reaching down, Jared pulled his shirt up and off and Jensen’s fingers quickly moved back to his nipple, gently at first, then more forcefully, alternately pulling and twisting. Jared leaned back against the arm of the couch, spreading his legs to allow Jensen to lay on top of him. Jensen’s hands never stopped their exploration of his sensitive flesh, leaving trails of fiery tingles where ever they touch.

Pushing his own hands between them, Jared’s fingers clumsily pushed at the buttons of the Jensen’s own shirt, finally able to spread the front open to begin his own mapping of the older man’s chest. He let his hands cover Jensen’s nipples, pushing and squeezing, thumbs flicking the nubs to rock hard. As Jensen panted above him, he pushed back a little more and Jensen cooperated, temporarily suspending his fiery touches. Jared moved his hands up to Jensen’s shoulders to guide the shirt down and off, exploring Jensen’s shoulders, strong biceps, hard forearms and then moved around to the hard, muscled back which rippled and seized as fingertips grasped and pushed into the sweating flesh.

Suddenly it was bare chest pressed against bare chest as Jensen let himself lay on Jared, his mouth returning to Jared’s, open and demanding and Jared was more than happy to comply, enjoying the bruising force of another man. Jensen’s knee moved up to press deep between the V of Jared’s legs, his hard cock pressing against Jared’s hip, Jared’s own gasping in the confines of thick denim. Touching, writhing, grinding, the sense of time disappeared into the ratcheting pleasure of their clutching hands. 

Then Jensen pushed up on one hand, holding himself above Jared with a smirk while the other pushed against the button of Jared’s jeans. Jared felt the instant relief as the button popped open. Jensen moved to slide the zipper down, the teeth pressing against the cloth-covered shaft until it was able to rise up in the opening. As he received relief against the pressure, he reciprocated, make quick work with his own hands and pushing Jensen’s pants open, Jensen’s own hardened member straining for release. Hands disappeared under cotton to grasp each others aching cocks, sliding friction searing the flesh as their hands stroked and pumped in tandem.

“I wanna do something new.” Jensen’s raspy voice whispered against his ear, already rising in response to Jared’s eager nod.

Standing, Jensen pressed his hand against his own cock, then slid the rest of his clothes down strong legs until he could kick them off. Leaning over Jared, a predatory grin on his face, he reached down, his hooded eyes never leaving Jared’s, and slipped Jared’s pants and briefs over his hips and down long, tanned legs, his hands trailing blazes of heat in their wake. Then Jensen’s mouth was back on his, panting in his excitement as their bare cocks slipped and slid against each, hot flesh and leaking pre-cum easing the friction. 

Moaning, Jared grasped Jensen’s head, his fingers threading through short, spiky silk. His hands chased Jensen’s head as he began to move down Jared’s body, pressing tender, damp kisses on his chest, tongue laving nipples, the air cool against the tight nubs. Next, those kisses were blazing a trail over his across his ribs, over his stomach, even stopping so his tongue could dip into the button at his waist. Jared gasped as his mind began connecting the dots, his cock throbbing in anticipation. Kisses across his hips were the only warning before his cock was engulfed in wet heat. His hands, still on Jensen’s head, dug into the silky hair as his hips arched at the sensation. The one cognizant brain cell tried to apologize in a wrecked voice but Jensen only moaned against the intrusion and just opened further, bobbing up and down, proving that there was still an even more intense pleasure to be felt. Trying to control his urge to just shove in as far and as fast as he could, Jared settled for short, quick thrusts as Jensen sucked and hummed, dragging groans and grunts from Jared. Jensen’s hands dug into his thighs and Jared knew there would be bruises. Then one hand moved to his scrotum, palming and rolling his balls within their sack. A finger reached down and began stroking the sensitive line until it reached his hole, stroking as it circled the furled opening.

Gasping, Jared felt the familiar tightening and he quickly made his decision. Pushing against Jensen, he moaned for him to stop. As if he’d been bitten, Jensen scrambled back, his eyes wide and stricken.

“Oh God, I’m sorry! Jay, I just got carried away – “

“No, no, Jen, it’s not that, I don’t wanna stop, just not like that… Maybe we could go to your room?”

Smiling, as much in relief as anything, Jensen stood and reached for Jared. Pulling him up in a tender embrace, he leaned in for soft kiss.

“Are you sure?” he murmured.

Jared nodded his confirmation, deepening the kiss, and tasting something new. He moaned as he realized he was tasting himself, mingled with beer and pizza, and dashed with the unique flavor of Jensen. Groaning, he pulled Jensen deeper into the hard embrace, his hands scrambling to be everywhere. Jensen’s own dropped and dug deep into the fleshy globes of his ass, kneading the hard muscles. Jared arched against Jensen, his hard, leaking cock digging into Jensen’s hipbone. Gasping, Jensen pulled away and began walking backwards, dragging Jared with him.

“C’mon, keep going like that, we’re never going to make it to the bed.”

Together they made it the bedroom, barely separating, the anticipation building as they continued to grope and bump and grind. Reaching the bed, Jensen suddenly turned Jared and pushed him back, cradling his head as they fell on the plush surface. Jared gasped at the sensation of being man-handled into position, and felt his cock rise with excitement. Watching as Jensen reached towards the nightstand, he heard a drawer open and close as Jensen’s hand came back with a tube and foil packet. The packet, he sat down on the pillow. As he twisted the cap off the tube, Jensen looked deep into Jared’s eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, been sure for a long time. I just… you were the only one, don’t know how to make it good for you..”

“The only one? Oh god, Jay, this time I’ll do it right, it’ll be good.”

And when he did it, Jared didn’t know but he threw his head back and keened when Jensen’s lube slicked hand suddenly wrapped around their cocks and he was sliding up and down, squeezing them together, pumping back and forth as Jared thrust in and out in counterpoint. Grabbing Jared’s hair, Jensen twisted his head into position for a possessive mouth-fucking, his tongue driving in and out, twisting against Jared’s. His other hand let go of their cocks, and Jared moaned at the thought of Jensen opening himself up. But as he felt a finger pressing against his entrance, he yelped at the intrusion and stared at Jensen in surprise.

“Hey, don’t worry, we’ll go slow. I don’t want to hurt you.” Jensen pulled back, his thumb stroking Jared’s cheek.

“It’s just, well, I thought…” Jared stammered, trying to figure out how to say what he meant.

Jensen then looked at him, confusion in evidence. And Jared almost laughed as he saw that confusion disappear in an instant as if the figurative light bulb clicked on. Sitting back, Jensen grinned wryly at him, shaking his head.

“Oh. Shit. I guess we’ve never really talked about it. Hell, I just figured, well every time we’ve… Crap, I just assumed that with the way I am with you, you’d know I prefer to top.” Jensen lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling, his erection now flying at half-mast.

And now that it was laid out like that, Jared admitted to himself that the signs were there and he’d only assumed otherwise because of that night. Then the old guilt began to return as he realized the horrible possibility.

“That night, did I – “

Jensen sat up and grabbed Jared’s arm, stopping that train wreck before it got too far down the tracks.

“No, don’t even go there. I just said I _prefer_ to top but that doesn’t mean I’ve never bottomed. I have, and no, you weren’t my first. And it’s okay, tonight if you want to – “

Jared stopped him mid-sentence, rolling on top of him, his legs spread on either side of Jensen’s hips.

“Let’s do it your way, I wanna feel you in me.” Jared ground down on Jensen’s cock, grinning to feel how quickly it rose to the occasion.

“You’re gonna be a toppy bottom, I can tell.” Jensen reached behind Jared, his fingers trailing down Jared’s crack until they reached their destination. Once again, a finger pressed against his tight hole, and Jared flinched a brief memory flickering of another time. As Jensen murmured reassurances, Jared forced himself to relax as the finger the furled muscle before pushing gently inside, lube smoothing the way. Jared hissed at the slight burn as the finger pushed and twisted around the rim before easing past the next resistance.

Taking Jared’s cock in hand, Jensen began sliding up and down the length in tandem with his finger pushing in and out. Once the burn ebbed, Jared began to move back and forth, relishing the sensation. On one deep stroke, he cried out as an intense pleasure flushed through his groin. The prostrate located, Jensen gave special attention to the gland, stroking it with his nail over and over. Barely coherent, Jared arched above Jensen, babbling stop and more in total contradiction. 

Before long, Jared felt his hole stretch even further, a second finger joining the first in the slow, gentle push. Then more burn as the fingers spread and closed, circling the rim, stroking the prostrate, pushing pulling, Jared twisting and turning, his cock throbbing against Jensen’s hand. As a third finger joined the first two, they thrust as one deep and hard, pleasure-pain-pleasure overwhelming Jared’s senses. His cries of pleasure seemed to drive Jensen to move faster and Jared felt Jensen’s hips pushing up into his, his cock hard and throbbing against Jared’s groin. 

Vaguely he heard a ripping sound as Jensen pulled his fingers free, his other hand releasing his cock and then pulling Jared forward across his chest. His lips were attacked by Jensen, and he opened them to the unspoken demand. Suddenly, he was rolled onto his back, Jensen’s hand pulling up one leg as he drove his thick cock hard and deep into Jared’s hole. Jared clutched at Jensen’s back, his gasp of surprise swallowed by Jensen. 

Finding his rhythm quickly, Jensen proceed to plunder Jared’s mouth and his ass, Jared writhing beneath him, pleasure building. As Jensen shifted ever so much, that pleasure intensified until it was almost too much as his prostrate was stroked over and over by Jensen’s invading cock, pounding hard and fast. Pulling up, Jensen growled as his hips stuttered, his movements becoming more erratic and wild. Jared felt his balls tighten, his cock pulsing, pre-cum leaking on his stomach. Pushing back and forth in counterpoint to Jensen’s own thrusts, Jared chased his release. He found it finally as Jensen’s hand grabbed his cock, pushing up viciously against the crown, and he was spilling in thick, pulsing gushes, his scream of pleasure captured by Jensen’s mouth, teeth grinding against lips, tongue against tongue. And he felt Jensen’s cry of release as Jensen’s cock finally pulsed its load, responding to the friction and clenching of Jared’s ass around him.

For several minutes, the only sounds in the room were the pants of the two men as they came down from their climaxes. Fingers leisurely touched and stroked whatever skin was beneath, tender kisses were exchanged, endearments shared. Finally, Jared prodded at Jensen.

“Get off me man, you’re no lightweight and you’re crushing me.” A sharp nip on his lip was Jensen’s answer as he pushed up. Reaching down between them, Jensen held the condom on, pulling free, and Jared gasped at the drag against his sensitive rim. Jensen rolled off the bed, slipping the condom off his flaccid cock on his way to the bathroom. Jared heard the water running and then Jensen was back with a warm, wet cloth. Sitting on the bed next to Jared, Jensen cleaned up Jared’s spunk and then pushed Jared’s legs apart, gently cleaning his hole, the warm moisture soothing the strained flesh. Dropping the dirty cloth on the floor, Jensen shoved at Jared.

“Move over, kid, I always sleep on this side.”

“Wow, great pillow talk, I feel so used.” But Jared moved over, rolling to his side to stare at Jensen. His hair’s tousled into erratic spikes, his lips plump and red, and a thin sheen of sweat still covered the sex-flushed skin. Jared knows he probably looks much the same.

“Stop staring dude, I’m feeling like a slab of meat.” He reached over though to roll Jared into his side, his back pulled up against Jensen’s chest. Pressing a kiss to the back of his neck, Jensen hummed a sigh of contentment before he spoke, his breath tickling.

“Okay?”

“Mmm, more than.”

“So, gonna stick around?”

“Not gonna be able to get rid of me.”

“Good, ‘cuz I think I kinda… like you… a lot.”

“…”

“Jay?”

“Yeah, I love you too.”

“Okay then… night.”

“Mmm, night.”

~ FINIS ~


End file.
